Mother and Child
by The Penumbra
Summary: She thought she had lost her son forever, until a blonde monk was brought to the temple, seriously injured... Sequel to 'The Ice Maiden'. Please read! hope you enjoy! COMPLETE
1. Default Chapter

**Disclaimer: I don't own Saiyuki... I just wish I did ^_^**

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A big** THANK YOU!!!!** to all those who reviewed "The Ice Maiden"!!! You made my day!!! ^_^ I hope you'll like this one as well.

(I know the title is a bit stupid, but I just couldn't come up with a better one...) 

I'll leave you to the prologue. Enjoy!

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**_Mother and Child_**

**__**

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Shunrei

~.~.~.~.~.~

I would have killed her with my own hands had she not been already so close to death.

"You will forgive us, won't you Shunrei?" she bleated, her foolish eyes searching into mine for a trace of pity or forgiveness. Her gnarled old hand clutched at my arm. I shuddered at the touch of her filthy skin, tainted by guilt.

_They had stolen my son, telling me that he was dead._

_They had condemned me to a life of sorrow and misery._

_They had trapped me in hell._

_Now they wanted me to forgive them. _

"It was for your own good," she said, trying to make me change my mind, so that she could die in peace.

 I sneered at her and turned away. Surely she did not expect me to believe such idiocies?

**_Liar._**_ It was for your sake not mine. Now it's too late. I cannot forgive you._

I felt her grip on my wrist weakening. I looked down. She was dead.

I called to the younger priestess and left Kayede to her care. I left the room, where the stench of guilt was stifling me. I hated them. They were dead and at peace. They had left me alive and in hell.

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I had barely believed it that winter night, ten years ago, when the old woman had confessed to having abandoned my child to the mercy of the river. Even now, I was unsure whether to believe in his existence. Was he alive or dead? 

I walked down slowly to the river, the only place where I could be alone from prying eyes. There I could forget the temple and all the hypocrites residing there, and stay alone with my husband and child. 

_Hiroshi…_

I still loved him. Sometimes I still dreamt of him, holding me tight, his gentle voice murmuring sweet nothings, his laughter echoing in the darkness, his eyes shining with love for me. I was cold and empty, but he had filled my life with joy.  When he died, part of me died with him. When they told me my child was dead, I knew I had betrayed Hiroshi's love.  

_I should have been stronger. I shouldn't have fainted. That way they wouldn't have been able to take him away._

I sat down beneath a sakura tree. The wind was cold and tore through the trees howling with rage, tearing down blossoms mercilessly from the trees. My heart filled with sudden terror.

_Where are you, child?_

_Are you cold?_

_Are you hungry?_

_Are you unhappy?_

_Where are you, child?_

Had he drowned or had he survived? I hated not knowing, being forced to live with an eternal doubt. I thought of him yet as a child, but he would be a man now, twenty three years old, with golden locks like mine, amethyst eyes like Hiroshi's. That's what Kayede told me. I could only imagine what my son could be like. I had never even touched him… they stole him away from me before I could kiss him and tell him how much I loved him…. 

Did he hate me? Did he think of me as the woman who had abandoned him? 

_No child. They lied to you if they told you so._

_I would never have left you. I would never have done to you what my own mother did to me._

~~~~~~~~~~

I was a strange child, cold and clever far beyond my years. My mother, a noble-woman, had given me to the temple as a gift when I was only three.

I loved her. She would come to visit me once a year perhaps, and I would look upon these visits as a man dying of thirst would look upon a drop of water.  They were too few, too brief. I would cling to her, and bury my face in the fold of her dresses, made of the finest silk, and take deep breaths, trying to memorise the smell of her perfume… Those were the only times I allowed myself to betray some sign of affection. Then she would leave, and I would face another year alone, with my two maids trying to replace my mother. 

The visits ceased after my eighth birthday. I was told I was too old to need my mother; she had other children to think about… pathetic lies. She had betrayed me. I never cried for her and I swore that I would never let my guard down again. It hurt too much to love.

But then I met him. I loved him and gave myself to him body and soul. He was my god. But I lost him too…

~~~~~~~~~~

The wind had grown stronger, and dark clouds were scurrying across the sky. I shivered slightly.

I had not wanted my child to grow without the love of a mother. I was determined to take care of him. When they told me that he was stillborn, I felt my heart breaking.  A part of me died with the child...  The dreams and hopes I had built for my son and myself came crashing down, leaving me with nothing but broken fragments. 

I was ill for weeks after. When I recovered I was no longer the old Shunrei, but only an empty shell. I had lost the will to live – I simply existed.I did not try to fight for myself, for what did I have to fight for now? I had been allowed a sip from my cup of love and happiness, and then it had been snatched away from me… I became more of a loner than before, continuing in the monotony of my temple duties, avoiding contact with the people. My tongue, always quick and biting grew sharper that a knife. I hated the world. I hated life. 

I was bitter and angry. I wanted to punish myself. That was why I did not slit my veins. By dying I would have lessened the pain; by living I would pay myself back for having a dead child. I blamed myself. 

_Why did he die? _

The question tormented me daily.  At night I would dream of hearing a child crying. I would follow the sound, knowing that I would find my son. Then I would see him, wrapped in a bundle of rags, his little body thin and dirty, and lifeless eyes would stare back at me from his emaciated face…

_But my child could be alive._

I looked at the river, strong and powerful. I _wanted to believe that he was alive. _

Had he been adopted, taken in by another woman? I felt a sudden twinge of jealousy. What if my son had found another to take my place? I hated the thought of him caressing another woman's face, calling her 'mother', lavishing on her the love which should have been mine. I hated the woman bitterly for having taken my child, for having heard his first word, seen him walk for the first time, for giving him a name...

I did not even know my son's name. 

~~~~~~~~~~

It started to rain. I stood up to return to the temple. My emotions were in turmoil. Rage, hatred, confusion, love… all these feelings tore at my breast. I longed to leave and search for my child, and claim him back. But I knew it was impossible. I was still a prisoner inside this golden cage, just as I had been when I met Hiroshi_._

_When I tried to escape they broke my wings and crippled me forever._

_Now I am trapped here for eternity._

~~~~~~~~~~~

As I climbed up the hill I saw someone approaching. It was a novice, Aiya.

"Please," the girl was breathless, having run down to meet me. "Please my lady… a group of men… one is a monk… he's badly injured…"

At the moment I couldn't have cared less about any monk at my temple's doors. I wanted to send them to hell, tell them to look elsewhere for help. I grimaced. But it was my 'duty' after all to aid strangers. I sighed and followed the girl wearily to the temple.

Before I went in, I looked back for one last time at the river which had taken away my child.

_I love you my son_

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_Please read on.…. (^_^)_


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

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Shunrei

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They had taken him to the healing chambers. That's what the girl told me at least. It was lucky for him that he was a holy man; the old hags at the temple gates would not have allowed them in otherwise, not even if he were close to death.

~~~~~~~

Anxious golden eyes, bright with tears met mine as I entered the room. "You're the healer?"  The brown haired boy clutched my hand. "Please help Sanzo… Hakkai can't do anything for the poison… "

Sanzo? Not only was the man a monk, but a high ranking one as well. The priestesses looked at the boy with disapproval for having addressed me with such familiarity. They looked to me to rebuke him, but I ignored them, sick of their blatant hypocrisy and insistence for the rules. I stared down at the boy.

_The boy is not afraid to touch me... usually everyone keeps out of my way..._

"All of you out." My voice was sharp as I snatched away my hand from the boy. "I don't need any of you. Aiya is enough." They all shuffled out, grumbling, but none of them willing to say anything to my face. My eyes turned towards my patient. I bit my lip in surprise. He was not like any monk I had ever seen. Golden hair like mine covered his head, and he was still young, much too young to be a Sanzo… 

"What happened?" I turned to his companions, two other young men, one with brown hair and emerald green eyes, and another with red hair and eyes. The boy had gone to sit at the edge of the bed where the monk was resting, unconscious and barely breathing.

_Four men….A monk, a heretic, a half breed, and a man who was probably a demon.__ The group travelling west probably. The news of their mission had even penetrated  the doors of my temple… _

"We were attacked by demons… their claws were probably poisoned…"answered the green eyed man. I moved quickly towards the monk and eased down his robes, exposing his chest. There were claw marks all over, and a dark viscous liquid was oozing out of the wounds, intermingled with blood. I recognized the evil smell of a toxin used by a group of powerful youkai… I had seen its effect only once, and the man had died slowly and painfully. "We need to act fast." I turned to Aiya and sent her to bring all the ingredients I needed for the healing potion.

"Will he make it?" Three pairs of eyes were fixed on me, expecting words of comfort, of reassurance.

I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't know. If he is strong enough he just might." My voice was cold and indifferent. It was not my sorrow. I was there to heal, not to give them false hope.

I heard a low moan. The boy's cheeks had lost their colour. "Sanzo's not going to die!" His voice faltered. "He'll make it, won't you Sanzo? Please open your eyes, please…" he buried his head in his hands and started to sob uncontrollably. The two men looked at me reproachfully, and the one with the monocle, put his arms round the child trying to comfort him, trying to ease the painful truth of my words. I turned away, almost feeling a twinge of pity for the boy. I hardened my heart. I couldn't get involved. It hurts too much to care.  

~~~~~~~~~

I returned after preparing the medicine. When I looked at the monk, it seemed as though he were dead. 

I turned to the boy. "You. Get out." 

"I'm not leaving Sanzo alone." The boy was defiant, almost in tears.

"Goku, I think it would be better if you left." The red head nodded to the other young man who was sitting by the monk's side and practically dragged the boy out.

I watched them leave and turned to the brown haired man. 

"Make him drink this."  I handed the brown haired man a wooden bowl with the herbal medicine I had prepared to lessen the effect of the poison. "Don't let him throw up. He must drink it all." 

He nodded silently. I could tell that the monk was important to him. I hesitated, almost wishing that I could offer words of comfort. But what would be the use? And yet… 

"He is strong." I was startled. He looked at me with quiet determination. "He'll make it."

 His belief in the monk was pathetic. No one is infallible.

_Fool! It's useless hoping. What you care about will always be taken away from you… always._

I shrugged and left.

~~~~~~~~~

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**Hakkai******

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I felt angry at her. She was cold, unfeeling. Goku was still a child, and Sanzo was everything to him. How could she have told him that there was practically no hope? I looked towards Sanzo, and I placed him in a sitting position. He looked weak and defenceless. 

This attack had completely taken us by surprise. They came during the night…. We three had been in the inn's dining room, eating. Sanzo had gone to his room early, and there… I shivered, cursing myself for not having gone with him. He had been completely alone, surrounded by a band of bloodthirsty youkai, all ready to tear him to pieces. We heard the gunshots from his room, but we hadn't been quick enough. Sanzo had tried to defend himself but he could not avoid all their attacks and had been clawed several times. These youkai were much stronger that the others we had faced before, but we managed to eliminate them.

Sanzo had collapsed, exhausted by the loss of blood. I tried to heal his wounds, but they wouldn't close.

It was then that I realised that he had been poisoned. 

The villagers sent us to the temple… the high priestess was a healer and she could help Sanzo. They called her the ice maiden… I smiled, grimly. The name suited her down to the ground…

And yet, I could feel an incredible aura of sadness around her. She seemed bitter and angry at the world… what could have made her so? It was strange, but I had the nagging feeling that I had already met her… she was very familiar, but where…

I heard a soft knock at the door and Gojyo came in. "I left Goku outside," he said. "I though it would be better if he.." his eyes widened as he looked at Sanzo "Shit! He's really bad!" He looked at me anxiously. "About what she said… Is he… is he really going to d … "

"No," my voice was firm, though I too shivered when I looked at Sanzo. His face had a deathlike pallor. "Help me make him drink this."

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**Sanzo******

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Someone was forcing a burning liquid down my throat. I gagged and tried to turn my face away but I was too weak. I moaned, wishing that the pain would leave.

My head throbbed and I could hear voices, voices everywhere.  Stupid voices…memories from my past… _Koryou__ the river foundling…. Go back were you come from…you should have drowned..._

I could hear a woman crying… _Why did you die? Why, Why?....   Angrily, I tried to make her shut up. Who was she? Why didn't she leave me alone? Other voices joined the rest… Gojyo, Hakkai, Goku...The __saru's voice was the loudest one of all. I longed to scream, make them stop, but I could not, I could not. I groaned, and wished they'd leave me in peace.  Goku's voice grew louder and louder, overshadowing the others, pestering me, begging me not to leave him alone...._

_Shut up saru…. I'm not going to go anywhere without you…_

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Just to warn you…. Something tells me this fanfic is going to be long!!!! I hope you liked it so far… any comments?? Please?  Pretty please?? Otherwise no update!! (^_^) 

Sanzo: WHAT?! You're going to leave me like that?! 

Konzen: Well… I ….

Sanzo: (all teary-eyed) That's cruel of you!!

Goku: (sniffing) Yeah! I've even lost my appetite cause I'm so worried about him!

Konzen: (hangs her head in shame) Ok, ok…I get the point...  :p

By the way… for those of you who are Goku–mad or like Romantic/Tragic stories, read Kenren Taishou's strory,  **"A Love Prohibited"** which is a really great fanfic about how Goku was born  It's really good!! 


	3. Chapter 2

Guess what? Saiyuki doesn't belong to me!!! (Surprise, surprise!! :p)

Here's Ch 2 Kenren Taishou! As you know, I couldn't write anything this week….

About the name Shunrei… Sorry people!!!!!! I really didn't know it had been used already in Saiyuki!! I see the Italian dubbed version, so perhaps some of the names might have been changed a bit… _(Konzen sighs)_ And me trying to use a nice original name…. Well, too late to change it, but thanks for telling me!! And thanks for the reviews, they make me want to write more (^_^) (**big hint…so keep on reviewing if you want to see how it ends)**

Sanzo: Huh! 

Konzen: _(looks at him suspiciously) What do you mean by "huh"?_

Sanzo: And you think that threat is going to work?

_Konzen__ glares at Sanzo as her fingers tap away at the keyboard._

Hakkai: _(smiling nervously) Uh, Sanzo? I wouldn't mess around with the author if I were you…._

Konzen: _(evil grin) that's right! Even though you're my favourite guy… I might be tempted to make you suffer more!!_

Sanzo: _(gulps and glares at Konzen) So… uh… why don't you get on with writing instead of wasting your time?_

Konzen: _(winks) As you wish Sanzo-sama….  _

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**Gojyo******

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We made him swallow that foul stuff the woman gave us. Not that I really trusted her, but we didn't have much choice. 

I stared down at Sanzo, moaning in pain, feverish and weak, knowing that I could do nothing to help him…nothing. Hakkai was sitting by his side, holding Sanzo's hand, deep in thought. I shifted slightly and he started. Hakkai looked at me and smiled, with the 'everything is perfectly fine' smile I hated so much, because I knew it was false. "It's all going to be ok," he said, as cheerful as ever. "Soon he'll…" 

I suddenly lost control, and slammed my fist on the table and I started yeling at Hakkai, furious with him, furious at Sanzo, but mostly furious at myself.

"Stop smiling, damn you! You're not sure that he'll live; you're as scared as I am! I'm not the saru... you can't comfort me with a few fine words!!" 

His lips trembled, and I stopped yelling, horrified at the change in his face. The mask he wore broke into fragments, and Hakkai buried his face in his hands. His shoulders shook, and I stood thunderstruck. I cursed myself silently. Why had I flown at him like that? Hakkai wasn't to blame, and I had vented all my anger on him. He too was suffering, wishing that he could help Sanzo, but knowing that he couldn't. Hakkai always had to bear the burden of all our troubles; we always looked to him to give us courage. Now he was like us, scared, looking for someone to offer _him comfort._

"I'm afraid," he whispered, and those words pierced through my heart. If Hakkai thought that Sanzo might not make it, then… then…."

I looked at my two companions, and I felt as helpless as a newborn child. I had never seen them like this. Hakkai had never shown this weaker side of his, and I blamed myself for hurting him so much. Sanzo instead, was showing no signs of getting better. He'd drift in and out of consciousness, and moan in pain. Those unearthly groans… Sanzo never would speak up when he was in pain. He'd see it as a sign of weakness. But now… 

I moved toward Hakkai and gripped his shoulder tightly. He looked up, and smiled, not that false cheerful smile he'd use to comfort the _saru_, but a weary smile of thanks. I noticed that his hands were shaking. 

I took a deep breath, and steadied my voice. "Don't be. The bloody monk is so crafty he'll manage to cheat death any day! I should know, I've played poker with him too many times now…" I babbled on, hating myself for not being able to comfort my friend better. My voice trailed away and we stood there in silence, together, praying that Sanzo would make it.

_Wake up you corrupted monk! Wake up and glare at me... please... Can't you see that we need you?_

_~~~~_

"I don't think Goku should come near Sanzo."  I looked at Sanzo and back at Hakkai, and I nodded slowly. Goku would go crazy if he'd see his beloved monk in that state. But, I didn't know how I was to keep him away. I'd already had enough trouble making him stay in a room, waiting for me. The _saru__ needed the monk, as much as he needed air to breathe.  _

"Did he drink it?" 

Both Hakkai and I were startled to hear her sharp voice. Dammit! The bitch walked like a cat. I glared at her. I couldn't forget her harsh words, the pain in Gokus eyes. She stared back at me, her expressionless blue eyes meeting mine. I shivered involuntarily. I couldn't shrug off the feeling that this woman was miserable, that a weak soul hid behind her steely gaze, drowning in a sea of bitterness and hatred

_A frozen beauty… _

_She reminds me of sorrow… of death…._

What could have hurt this woman so much?  I watched her as she moved closer to Sanzo and touched his forehead. The monk flinched and moved his head. Even when unconscious, he hated being touched, especially by women.  I saw her frown at his sudden movement, but she didn't move away. She just stared at the unconscious monk and seemed oblivious of our presence. 

We stood like that for a few minutes. I couldn't bear it any longer. "Well?" I sneered at her. "He's going to die now or next week?"

She turned her head to face me. "Perhaps. The poison doesn't affect everyone the same way." I reeled back at her words, shocked by her directness. Her hard eyes met mine. I was trembling. With anger perhaps? Or was it fear? She touched Sanzo's face again, but her touch seemed gentler. 

Her voice was soft. "Your friend said he's strong. Do you think he can make it too?"

I clenched my fists: "Of course he can! No other would have been able to survive what he's been through!" I hated her. Her hands, her robes, that soft voice, her beauty. 

"Then seeing you're so convinced, why do you ask me if he'll die?" She seemed almost amused. I nearly flew at her with rage, when I felt Hakkai's restraining hand on my shoulder. 

"Excuse me, my lady," His voice was tense. "If you're so sure that he'll die, why are you helping him?" I stared at her, wondering how she would reply.

She looked at Hakkai, and I could have sworn that her eyes softened. 

"Perhaps because I too, like you, always hope for the impossible." And with that, she left.

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**Shunrei******

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Looking at them there, both clutching at any sign of hope, praying that the monk would live, I felt a trace of pity stirring in my heart, something which I had not felt for a long, long time.

The monk… I almost felt hurt when he flinched at my touch. Had I grown so repulsive then? I shook my head. He'd been unconscious. And anyway, why should I care? People had shunned me all my life. I was the ice maiden after all…   

His face was familiar. Maybe, I had seen him before, but where? I had never left the temple. There might be one of the women in the temple who was a relation of his, or who looked like him. I sighed. It was not important. I busied myself with the herbs, cleaning them before preparing another ointment. He would probably die. It was unfair…he was still so young… maybe the same age as my child… if he were still alive. I looked out of the window. It was a dark night, and clouds were scurrying across the sky   

Why did I answer that way?

_I too like you, always hope for the impossible…_

Because it was true… 

_~~~~~~~~_

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**Hakkai******

~.~.~.~.~.~.

He couldn't rest. He'd been tossing and turning, moaning and talking to himself. Sanzo had called for Goku several times. He was burning hot and I washed his face gently with damp cloth. I had sent Gojyo to Goku. The poor boy would be worried to death about Sanzo. I clenched my fists. I had lost control in front of Gojyo and hadn't been able to hide the truth in front of him. I was afraid that… that…

I closed my eyes. 

_Stop it! Sanzo's not going to die! You must believe it! He's strong!_

_Yes, but… he's human… _

Was I simply fooling myself, trying to believe that everything would turn out fine? Every time I looked at his worn face, I felt a fresh pang of guilt. It was all my fault. 

Suddenly he opened his eyes. He licked his cracked lips and looked into my eyes. Sanzo's voice was harsh. "Tell him to stop calling me. I can't sleep with him talking all the time…" his voice faded away, and he drifted back into unconsciousness. "Sanzo," I murmured, as I swept back a stand of golden hair from his face. I took hold of his hand, and pressed it. I hated myself. Why was I was never there when people needed me? Why? Why?

_Forgive me Sanzo. If I had been there none of this would have happened. I'm so sorry…_

_~~~~~~~ _

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**Shunrei******

~.~.~.~.~.~.

It was late at night and there wasn't a sound. 

I had sent the green eyed man to rest. He was exhausted by keeping watch over the blonde monk. I had slipped a sleeping draught into his glass, to make sure that he would sleep without worrying. I told the half-breed, Gojyo, that I would stay up with Sanzo. He had looked unsure about trusting me alone with the man, but had given in, and had gone to join the golden eyed boy. 

I left them in one of the rooms, fiery red head trying to convince the boy, Goku that Sanzo did not want anyone around, inventing all kinds of excuses to prevent him from seeing the monk. I didn't blame him. The child probably would not be able to bear seeing him thus. 

The bond between these four men went beyond the common friend ship. The death of one, would destroy the rest, not physically but spiritually, as had happened to me when I lost my family. I had been left there, an empty shell, left only with bitter memories, tormented by guilt. Perhaps that was why I was trying to make him live. I did not want to share my fate with others. I could not condemn others to live in the hell in which I lived.

But it was not only that. I could not ignore the feeling that I had already met this man before. He was familiar, yet a stranger. Something drew me to him, linked me with him.  Maybe we had met in another life. Or I had simply grown into a silly old woman whose imagination played tricks on her? 

I frowned as I drew back the blanket covering his chest. The bandages were again soaked with blood. The medication was not working as well as it ought to. I removed them, trying to be as gentle as possible. He winced as I cleaned the wounds, groaning softly. What must he have felt as the claws tore at his flesh? I could only imagine the pain, the fear. Why did there have to be so much suffering in this world? 

_Why, why, why? So many questions, so few answers..._

I stood up and went to get the rest of the ointment. I heard the man shifting slightly.

"Who are you?"  I froze at the sound of his weak voice as I had not been expecting him to regain consciousness. I turned with the bowl in my hands to meet his gaze.

Hiroshi's eyes stared at me.

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**Next chapter will soon be up… I promise!!!!! (^_^)**

A/N: Hope no one's getting to bored or confused with all these POV's, but I thought that it's important that all the characters have some sort of chance to speak their mind… I mean, I think it's more interesting seeing what all of them are feeling! 


	4. Chapter 3

Usual disclaimer applies…but _this Shunrei and Hiroshi belong to me!_

Thank you to all those who reviewed! I appreciate every single one! It's true that you don't write only for the reviews, but I do like to have some!!! Glad you enjoyed my previous chapters, hope you won't be disappointed by the next…. These were written while I was in a very depressing mood. So more sadness, more anxiety… oh… and more Goku too! ^_^ Why I was depressed? 

1. Saiyuki is going to end soon 2. I only get to see till episode 50.  3. I'd just listened to "Alone" 4. Lots of other reasons which were not Saiyuki related ;-p

Just a small note:  for those of you who haven't read the Ice maiden, Hiroshi is Shunrei's lover i.e. Sanzo's father. (well ok, his father according to my story!)

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**Chapter 3**

~.~.~.~.~.

Shunrei

~.~.~.~.~.

_"I've never seen violet eyes before," I said. Hiroshi smiled when he heard me speak. I turned my head away, slightly afraid. Usually I never started a conversation. But today felt…special. _

_ We had spent the whole afternoon together that day, and I felt that sense of tranquillity which is only felt by those who are at peace with themselves and the world. Every minute spent in his company made me thankful to be alive. _

_"It's not a usual colour in fact," he replied, as he walked slowly to the river's edge. I leaned back as I watched him as he bent down to choose a pebble. _

_"Look at me! I'm going to hit that tree, on the other side of the river!" He was laughing like a boy, this man I had learnt to love. I wondered how long I could keep my feelings secret… I had no right to love him… _

_"I did it!" He came back, eyes shining with elation. I envied his ability to find pleasure in such simple things. We were so different. I was the younger, but he was the one who kept the innocence and joy of his childhood. Hiroshi sat down beside me, and his hand accidentally brushed mine. I felt a thrill of excitement and longed to catch his hand in mine, feel the touch of those long slender fingers against my skin._

_ Instead, I snatched my hand away and glared at him. "Don't touch me!" I made my voice harsh, to pay for my lapse before. He flinched at the tone of my voice. I could not bear to look into those beautiful eyes and see the expression of pain I had now come to know by heart. I had caused it too often.  _

_We stood there silently for some time. I hated myself for braking the serenity which had previously reigned, but that was how it had to be. I could not let him know about my feelings towards him. I did not want to hurt him and to hurt myself._

_His soft voice broke into my thoughts. "Few people are born with eyes like mine," he said reflectively, "The people in my village believed that it is the colour of sorrow…My father used to tell me that people like me were destined to be surrounded by misery and despair…" He passed his hand through his thick, black hair. He smiled, but his voice sounded sad. "He couldn't understand my having been born that way…"_

_ I stared at him. Misery? Perhaps it was true…He had made me miserable, for I knew that mine was an impossible love. And yet, he also made me find happiness and warmth in a life which had been empty and cold._

~~~~~

Who are you?" he repeated, jerking me back to my senses. I tried to maintain my composure, but it was hard with those violet eyes searching into mine, reminding me of my past.

_It is impossible. I'm fooling myself… _

"Shunrei," I finally made myself say. My voice sounded higher than usual, and I felt almost terrified.

"Shunrei?" He frowned at my words.

"I'm the high priestess of the temple. You were brought here, injured." I said, trying to sound cold and indifferent.

_A hard task when your heart is beating so hard that you think everyone can hear it._

_A hard task when a man who might be your son is there in front of you._

My son? Who said that he was my son? It was a coincidence. It had to be so. I looked at him and saw that his eyes were closed and that he was breathing rapidly. He had drifted back into a troubled sleep.  I sighed in relief. Now that that piercing gaze was no longer fixed on my face, I could think rationally. I pulled up a chair by his bedside and collapsed into it. I attempted to steady my shaking hands and to try to regain hold of my senses.

_Nonsense.__ You were just thinking about Hiroshi and your son and you jumped to conclusions when you saw those eyes._

_But those eyes…_

_Hiroshi was not the only one around with amethyst eyes._

_Golden hair, violet eyes, probably the same age as my son. What more proof could I want?_

_Do you want to get hurt? Imagining things which are not true? Do you want to break your heart when you realised that it was only a stupid dream?_

Golden hair framed that thin face. His lips were slightly parted and his cheeks were flushed with fever. I searched for any resemblance in those delicate features, trying to find something which would make me know whether to hope or not. Perhaps that was why he was so familiar… he did look a little like me…

_Stop it! You know you are willing yourself to find something similar. You're fooling yourself !_

_But…___

_No. He is not your son. Wake up. You will never see your son again. _

_Yes… you are right… he is not my son. It was just… a vain hope._

I bit my lip. I was an old fool. It would have been nothing short of a miracle if my son suddenly appeared on the doorstep of my temple. It was true, there was an uncanny familiarity in those features but nothing more. I hardened my heart, cursing myself for having been so weak so as to have believed in such folly. I clutched at the bowl in my hands and continued to clean his wounds. He winced, and a small cry escaped his lips. I paused. Somehow I could not bear the thought that I was hurting him, even though I had no reason to care. 

I forced myself to continue, but at every lament or cry, I felt a thousand daggers stabbing my heart. "It will soon be over." I knew he could not hear, but I felt the need to comfort him. 

~~~~~ 

I was tired. My head felt heavy on my shoulders, and I longed to rest. But I could not leave him to the care of another. 

_Foolish fantasies.___

Perhaps. But I still could not leave. I rose suddenly, to keep myself from dozing off. My elbow caught the bowl on the table and it fell with a clatter. He shifted slightly, and his eyelids flickered. His eyes opened and his gaze fell on the chain of rosary beads which always hung on my robes. I waited for him to fall back asleep, but he seemed transfixed by the sight of those beads. I was impatient; he was a monk, surely he had seen such things before?

I stiffened as he reached out, and cautiously fingered my beads. "I had a chain like that," he said slowly. "But mine were red…" 

I felt my heart beat faster. 

_Could he? Could they? _

"Where did you get them from?" I felt breathless, and the suspense was choking me. 

His hand dropped to his side, and he seemed to be about to drift back into sleep again. I felt as if I wanted to scream, to shake him by the shoulders and make him answer me.

"It was in the basket… but it got broken…" His eyes closed. The only sound in the room was that of his shallow breathing.

_I placed it in the basket, together with the child, my lady, for protection…_

He was my…

The door flew open as the golden eyed boy burst into the room. His eyes travelled to were Sanzo lay and he dashed to his side, pushing me aside. "I'm here. Sanzo, I'm here. Please wake up!" He dropped to his knees by the bed. His voice rose. "Sanzo? I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Please, please don't give up, It will be ok you'll see!" Tears were streaming down his cheeks as he begged the monk to get up, to forgive him for not being there… he talked incoherently, desperately looking for any kind of response.

Sanzo gave no answer… he only muttered incomprehensibly to himself while he tossed and turned. Suddenly, his eyes jerked wide open. I felt a shiver running down my spine at the empty expression in his eyes. It was as if he were staring through the boy, through  me… he was delirious. His breathing grew more shallow and rapid, and coughs racked his body, and his shoulders shook. He tried to shift himself up, and as he did so, the blanket slipped slightly, and his chest was uncovered. The boy's eyes widened, as he took in the scene. 

_Eyes wild and unseeing.__ Face flushed with fever. Bandages soaked with blood._

The boy's expression changed from incredulity, to horror, to despair. 

Sanzo fell back on the bed, still moaning. 

"I'm sorry, couldn't stop him,…he's too strong…" Aiya was sobbing behind me. The two men were standing at the doorway, eyes fixed on Goku. The red head took a step forward. 

"Goku…" his voice trailed away. The boy was shivering violently, eyes fixed on the monk.

"He promised he wouldn't leave me…" The words, all charged with pain came out in a hoarse whisper.

The two men moved towards him and the green eyed man knelt down beside him, "Goku, I think we'd better leave now," he said softly. The boy seemed dazed, and allowed the other to guide him out of the room. Before they left, he turned to face me. His golden eyes begged me to do something for his companion. I felt helpless. I could do nothing for him. Nothing. 

His face was white and drawn. "He can't die. Not yet," he said, voice calm with despair. I could see my own pain reflected in those large eyes. I nodded to him slowly, and they lead him out of the room. The girl followed them, still sobbing. 

I leaned on the wall, and I closed my eyes. 

_He is my son._

_And he is fighting for his life._

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

Sanzo: Is this the best you could do? It grows from bad to worse…

Konzen: *glares at him* I know. Thanks a lot. 

Sanzo *smirking* You're welcome…


	5. Chapter 4

_*sigh* More angst ahead… poor guys._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Chapter 4**

_~.~.~.~.~_

**Gojyo******

_~.~.~.~.~_

_"I told you to get out of the way!" Goku glared at the young novice who was standing in front of the door._

_"Please," the young girl looked terrified out of her wits. "Please, my lady said…"_

_"I want to see Sanzo!" Goku glared at her. "Let me pass now!"_

_"But I..."_

_"Goku, listen, you know that crazy monk gets mad if you wake him…"_

_"Shut up!" Goku turned to face me, eyes blazing with anger. "You didn't hear him calling for me, he's in pain and suffering! I can't just stay here!" He turned to the girl. "I'm sorry but I have to do this." Grabbing her, he literally threw her aside. I caught his arm, trying to stop him, but anxiety made him even stronger. He pushed me away as if I were nothing but a rag doll._

_ I cursed as he barged out of the door._

_~~~~~ _

Goku was lying on the bed, sobbing his heart out.  He lifted his tear-stained face and looked at me. "He's never been this bad," he sobbed and buried his face again in the bedclothes.

I sighed. I should have done something to stop him. Now it was too late. I didn't know what to tell him. He was right…I too felt death edging close, too close for my liking.

_Damn you, you stupid monk. You always manage to make the saru miserable._

Hakkai was sitting up on another bed, opposite Goku. He was deep in thought, eyes downcast, stroking Hakuryu. Why didn't he go to the monkey and put his arms round him, tell him something which could comfort him? It was Hakkai who usually did that, I was no good at this kind of thing. But this time Hakkai seemed lost in his own world. I had only seen him like this on rainy days. I knew he was blaming himself for what had happened. 

I crossed over to him, wishing that the saru would stop crying. Better to hear him whining for food than seeing him reduced to this state. Better to have Sanzo hitting me and stealing my cigarettes rather then watching him fight for his life. Anything would be better than this. I hated this sense of helplessness.

I sat down on the bed and took out a cigarette. I lit it, and inhaled deeply. "It's not your fault Hakkai," I said, softly. "You might as well blame me, or Goku. None of us knew what was going to happen."

He clenched his fists tightly. "No. But I should have been there. I was supposed to protect him. Like I was supposed to protect…" his voice wavered. Hakuryu nestled up to him, and he relaxed slightly, and caressed the small dragon.

He was tormenting himself endlessly, and what could I do, except offer senseless words of comfort, to which probably he wouldn't listen to anyway? I puffed at my cigarette. It would always be like this. Whatever happened Hakkai would always feel that _he_ was to blame. He was no better at letting go of his past then the rest of us. "You managed to save him though. He would be already dead by now, if it weren't for you." I stubbed out my cigarette, and I stood up. "Stop blaming yourself. We'll get out of this like we got out of every damn scrape. You'll see. There is always hope." 

His eyes met mine, probing deep into my soul. I held his gaze. 

_Without hope, we are doomed._

 He stood up slowly, and Hakuryu flew to his shoulder. His emerald eyes shone with determination.

 "You are right. There is always hope." He smiled briefly. "Thank you."  

~~~~~~

~.~.~.~.~.~

**Hakkai******

~.~.~.~.~.~

_Must there always be someone to blame?_

_//It's not your fault.//_

_Was it my fault? Or not? Was I destined never to be there when people needed me most?_

_// He would be dead by now if it weren't for you.//_

_But he's not safe. He could still die._

_When is he safe? We are always at risk._

_But I could have been there, and I would have prevented this._

_I could… I would… Perhaps… All doubts, signs of weakness. Now it is strength of spirit which is necessary to help him, not bodily strength._

_Remember, he is still alive._

_Remember, there are others who need you._

_//There is always hope//_

_I have to believe. _

~~~~~~

I stroked Goku's head gently. He had stopped crying, but now he was silent. His face was white, and his eyes lacked the spirit which always made him look so alive. He didn't respond to any comments I or Gojyo passed. He hadn't even moved when a novice had brought us some bowls of rice.

I was overcome with a sense of guilt. I had let him cry his heart out, while I had just stood there, thinking only of myself. How could I have been so selfish? I sighed. I did not know how to comfort Goku. Without Sanzo he seemed dead.

'Kyuu!" The little dragon settled on Goku's lap. Nothing. The boy remained as motionless as a statue. The little dragon tried to nestle up to him, and playfully licked his fingers, trying to obtain some sort of response. 

"Leave me alone."

Both Gojyo and I started at the sound of his voice, dry and emotionless. Hakuryu flew off, and settled on my shoulder. I hesitated wondering what I should do.

A soft knock on the door was heard, and a novice came in. She looked nervously at Goku and then turned to me.

"My lady says you're to come to the sick room, alone," she said. Her voice lowered. "She also says that the other one must stay with the boy. We'll come to tell you if you are needed."

I looked at Gojyo and he nodded briefly. We both knew what this meant.

I followed her out, and closed the door before facing her.

"Is everything… fine?"

She did not answer, but walked onwards silently. Suddenly she spoke up, but her words offered no comfort.  

"My lady says that he is between life and death. If by tomorrow he regains consciousness, then he will heal."

_If not, he will die. _

The words hung unspoken in the air. She opened the door to let me in, and then left, leaving me together with Sanzo and Shunrei.

~~~~~~~

~.~.~.~.~.~

**Shunrei******

~.~.~.~.~.~

He'd taken a turn for the worse.

His temperature had risen, and he was delirious. I had tried everything; herbs, medicines… even prayer. Now he had to fight it out alone. And I could only be a spectator, nothing more If he managed to survive the night, then, he could live. 

The door opened, and the green eyed man came in. I could see that Aiya had told him about Sanzo. I motioned him to draw up a chair and sit beside me. 

"How is the boy?" 

"He is… worried, my lady."

 __

_Not worried. No. The boy loves Sanzo._

_He is desperate, asking himself why this had to happen, why it couldn't it be him in Sanzo's place, wishing that he could have prevented this. _

_I should know. I feel like that too._

 

~.~.~.~.~.

**Hakkai******

~.~.~.~.~.

The priestess was pale and had dark shadows under her eyes. My heart sank at the look on her face.

"I can do nothing more." she said, her voice a mixture of sadness and despair. I was surprised, for I had not imagined that she cared so much. Had been wrong in judging her cold and unfeeling?  I reached out and took her hand. She was startled, but did not draw away. Her face was troubled and unhappy.

"We must hope," I said.

The high priestess bent her head down. 

Our night vigil had begun.

~~~~~~~

~.~.~.~.~.

**Shunrei******

~.~.~.~.~.

I prayed, I know not to what divinity.

_Please don't let me lose my son again._

_Don't tear him away from me._

I looked at his face, too careworn for one so young. Beads of sweat had formed on his forehead, and he gasped for breath.

_Be strong. You have to make it. _

_For your companions._

_For the boy, Goku.___

_For me.___

_~~~~~~_

~.~.~.~.~.

**Hakkai******

~.~.~.~.~.

_Don't die Sanzo, don't leave us…_

If he died, then all would be lost. It was he who kept us all together.

If one strand of the web breaks, then the entire web collapses.

_Don't break the thread which ties us together_.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Will Sanzo make it? Or will he decide to give up? It's all in his hands now…**

Angioletto-chan: What!!!! You're leaving me like this??!!!! Don't you dare kill off poor Sanzo!! Or I'll, I'll…

_*Konzen smiles to herself*_

Angioletto–chan: _*mouth hanging open*_ You… you're smiling? Don't you have any feelings? Don't tell me you were just showing off your vocabulary when you talked about threads and webs and all that shit? 

Konzen: What! That's mean of you! You're worse than Sanzo!!!! 

Angioletto-chan: _*Puts on a saintly look* Me? I'm an angel! It's you who's the heartless monster who's planning to tear away Sanzo from his newly found mother, his friends, and poor little Goku…_

Konzen: _*striking a thinking pose* Well , if you die young, it saves a lot of pain… ^_^_

Angioletto-chan: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!! *Beep* *Beep* *Beep*!!!!!!!!!


	6. Chapter 5

Too much OCCness? Hmm… will try to arrange this in the following chapters… but you can't really expect the Sanzo-ikkou to behave normally… Sanzo is delirious, and the others are faced with a catastrophe :p 

By the way I AM evil *proudly shows her _"Member of Evil Fanfic Writers Club" badge*. And about Sanzo dying… hmm… seems no one wants him to die… _

**Sanzo****: *grins* See? I told you my fans would kill you if you dared kill me!**

**Konzen****: *sighing* Ah well… accidents do happen… I can't be blamed if you trip on a banana skin which Goku left in your room…*looks around, hoping that there aren't any '_I'm- ready-to-kill-you-if-you-kill-Sanzo_' people around***

**Sanzo****: *grows pale* You're nasty! Why do you always pick on me??**

**Konzen****: *smiles* Cause you're my favourite character! **

_Sanzo__ shudders thinking of what she would have done to him if she hated him… _

Read on…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Chapter 5**

****

~.~.~.~

**Sanzo******

~.~.~.~

I'm tired. I keep longing to drift into a deep sleep, but voices keep on calling, waking me up each time. It would be so easy to let go. But they won't stop. I can't shut those voices away. Gojyo's voice, angry and irritating, Hakkai's voice, tired and pleading, Goku's voice, persistent and afraid… and a woman's voice, soft and unfamiliar. Who was she? Ch… I don't care. I just want them to leave me alone.

_//Wake up you stupid monk!//_

_//Don't break the threads which bind us together..//_

_//Don't leave me…//_

_//Be strong.__ You have to make it.//_

Why won't they all go away? It's none of their business what I do! Damn idiots! I am sick of the pain and suffering… sick of risking my life because of a mission which I don't care about, for gods in which I don't believe. Their eyes… they haunt my dreams… fear, pain, guilt, anxiety… Why do they care if I die? I don't. I'm sick of all this… what have I got to live for? Nothing… I failed my master as soon as my finger pulled the trigger the first time… I was never meant to be a Sanzo…

A mission which I had been forced to take, companions whom I had been made to drag along… endless battles, continual killing… and what for? For a mission which was doomed from the start.

_I am not strong. I never was._

_//You promised! You promised you'd never leave me!//_

His golden eyes glared at me, glistening with tears. I had seen him like this only once… when I had almost lost him… I hesitate. But I'm tired, tired of suffering…

_Shut up Goku… I want to rest…_

~.~.~.~

**Goku******

~.~.~.~

My sun could not set. 

I stood staring out of the window, where the sun was slowly disappearing at the horizon. The world was no longer a multitude of colours, but was now tinged with red and golden hues.

_Golden, like his hair.__ Red, like the blood which gushed out of his wounds._

_My sun.__ My life._

I shuddered. What would I do without Sanzo? We'd never been apart for longer than a day or so, ever since he had taken me in. I never seriously thought that he'd die. He was Sanzo! He had to make it!

The sun disappeared completely, and the world was enveloped by darkness. There was no moon tonight, and a lone candle burnt valiantly in our room, giving out a dim light.

_The smell of fresh blood pervades my nostrils. I feel sick._

_It is not only youkai blood. His blood has been spilt too. _

Gojyo lay on the bed, sleeping, or at least pretending to. Hakkai was in the sick room with Sanzo, where I should be. Like I should have been there when he'd been attacked. Instead I was in the kitchen. Eating while he'd been in danger, I thought bitterly. The very thought of food made me feel sick.  Sanzo would say it was one advantage. He'd always told me I eat too much. I longed for the sound of his voice, the impatient tone when he wants to leave, the anger when I'd do something wrong, the softness on those rare occasions when I'd know that he cares.

_You lied to me. You said you'd never leave me._

I hadn't really believed her when she thought he could die. But now that I'd seen him, now that I'd seen his face, his eyes…

_They say he will survive. But I sense their fear, their doubts. They are lost, like me. _

_You can't leave me! You can't!_

_We have a mission remember? We have to go on with our journey!_

_Sanzo__?__ Sanzo!!_

The candle flickered and went out, leaving the room in utter darkness. 

_His spirit is waning. I can barely sense his presence… There is no hope. He's going to die._

_My fault.__ I hadn't been  there to protect him._

Bringer of misfortune. That's what I was. _Golden eyes… a heretic… a bringer of misfortune…_ I couldn't erase those words from my memory… I had heard them somewhere, but I never really took any notice. But, they were right. I should have stayed in the cave… That way Sanzo would never have been hurt.

I hated myself. I was only a stupid _saru__, with a stomach in the place of a brain, just like the_ kappa_ said. A good-for-nothing who tagged along with the others. Why couldn't I have been hurt instead of him? Why? Why? Why? It wasn't Sanzo who should die. _

I bent my head down, willing death to embrace me, to let me join him.

_Without you I do not have a reason to live. _

_You're not a father, nor a brother. Not even a friend. _

_You are my sun. And just as living creatures need the sun to live, I need you._

My soul cried out to him, yearning for forgiveness, wanting to be reunited with him. 

_Sanzo, I'm sorry. I'll never leave you again. _

_I'm ready to die with you._

_//Damn you saru.__ You never shut up do you?//_

I jerked my head up at the sound of his voice in my head. It was weak, but there… 

Light penetrated the room, and I felt a sudden warmth on my skin.

The sun was rising.

He was alive

_//I already told you I'll never leave you…//    _

I smiled to myself at the sound of that voice, relief spreading through my body. For the first time in days, I found myself at peace. The sense happiness which bathed my soul was something I thought I'd never feel again. 

He would live. He'd stay with me, always. I wiped away the stupid tears which had trickled down my cheeks. There was no need for me to cry anymore. He would live. 

Leaning my elbows on the windowsill I rested my head. I felt tired, but now I knew I could sleep. I smiled again, wanting to share my elation with the world. Before I closed my eyes, I watched the sun rise.

_The sun sets. But then it rises again._

_There is always hope._

_~~~~_

"Goku?"  I felt a light touch on my arm. I stirred, and opened my eyes slowly, blinking as the sun's strong rays blinded me. 

"He'll make it _saru! The monk decided he liked this world too much to leave it for the next!" Gojyo was grinning exultantly while Hakkai smiled serenely, eyes glowing in relief.  I nodded slowly. I had known that he'd survive. Perhaps they hadn't heard Sanzo before. _

"Well?" Hakkai was looking at me strangely.

"I know, he told me he wouldn't leave earlier." I said quietly. They looked at each other, bewildered. Gojyo shrugged his shoulders. I smiled at them, feeling a sudden burst of energy coursing through my veins. I felt more alive than I had felt in days. 

I suddenly heard my stomach grumbling, and blushed. "Hakkai, can we go to Sanzo and then find something to eat? I'm hungry!"

"Now I know everything's back to normal," said Gojyo. For once, he didn't tease me. He was probably too relieved that Sanzo was alive. Before I followed them out of the room, I looked out of the window at the sun. It was high up in the sky, strong and indestructible. 

_I'll never leave you again Sanzo. I promise. _

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Sanzo****: That sucked by the way.**

**Konzen****:** I know, I know… But you don't have to be so direct! You could say… I think you could do better… or don't worry, you'll improve some day, or something of the sort!!

**Sanzo****: Ch… baka…**

**Konzen****: *with tears in her eyes* And I even let you live!! **

**Sanzo****: *dryly* Oh, thanks a lot. **

**Konzen****: No need to thank me… I don't object to torturing you, but killing you off is too much… :p**

**Gojyo****: That's right! What would we do without the gold card?**

**Konzen****: *while trying to stop Sanzo from killing Gojyo* **Thank you** to all you reviewers! If you're authors, you'll understand what I mean when I say that reviews are very much appreciated!! For those who are not authors… you'll have to take my word for it that they are!!!!!!!!**

.


	7. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: In case no one's noticed, I don't own Saiyuki. (^_^)**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Chapter 6**

~.~.~.~.

Gojyo

~.~.~.~.

I had crept in to find both Sanzo and Goku asleep, the latter with his head resting on the bed, covered with a blanket… Hakkai's work probably. He shifted gently as I moved around the room. The _saru__ had nearly gone out of his mind with worry. Now that he knew that his precious Sanzo was in no danger of dying, he seemed to have returned to the normal ever-hungry ape. Well, not exactly normal. At times his eyes clouded over and he would fall silent, eyes never leaving the monk's face, their expression begging him to wake up and talk. He rarely left Sanzo's room, now that woman had let him in. He seemed determined not to let the monk out of his sight. _

I passed my fingers through my hair, and grinned slightly. He had better snap out of it fast. I doubted if Sanzo once restored to his normal high-and-mighty self would appreciate having Goku clinging to his robes. Watching them sleep wasn't much fun. I slipped my hand into my pocket and swore softly on discovering I had forgotten my cigarettes. Back to our room again. I walked out again. The corridors were empty, as usual. It seemed everyone had strict orders to keep out of our way. Probably that frosty priestess was afraid we'd contaminate her women. Hn. Most of them were old hags anyway. Shunrei wasn't that young, but she was good-looking still. I had caught Hakkai looking at her a few times. Maybe I should start suspecting something… I chuckled. Hakkai wasn't that type of guy...  I arrived to our room and picked up my cigarettes and matched, taking care not to wake Hakkai who was resting, with the usual smile back on his face. He had suffered too…I shivered as I remembered his face…. I slipped out again and made my way to the sickroom quickly, trying to put the memory of those awful nights out of my mind. 

I placed my hand on the doorknob and was just about to go in, when I heard Goku's voice. 

"Sanzo you're awake at last!" I edged the door open slightly, hoping that they wouldn't notice me. The monk was frowning… "Where the hell am I?" 

"It's a monastery Sanzo." Goku seemed slightly tense, and was fidgeting. I could sense Sanzo's irritation growing.  "We brought you here after you were attacked when… when…" Here Goku faltered and fell silent, eyes downcast. 

"I remember." The monk's voice was dry and devoid of any emotion. His golden bangs covered his face, and I couldn't see his expression.

"Sanzo?" The _saru seemed to hesitate, and he lifted his golden eyes to the other's face._

"What?"

"I'm sorry." His voice seemed to break and the sound of muffled sobs intermingled with broken fragments of sentences was all that could be heard. "I never meant to leave you… it's my fault because I'm always hungry…I thought you'd die… I'm sorry…"

 Sanzo did not speak or move, but continued to watch Goku. What the hell was he doing, letting the kid continue to blame himself like that? I had to restrain myself from bursting into the room. 

"_Baka_." Sanzo's voice seemed almost gentle for once. "I'm not dead yet." He stretched out his hand, and let it rest on Goku's head. The kid's sobs subsided, and soon he looked up.

"You're not mad at me then?" Goku sounded hopeful, golden eyes wide and full of expectancy. 

"You damn well know I'm mad at you! You never stopped pestering me!" The crabby monk was back on the scene, and Goku lowered his head. The silence was broken only by Goku's sniffs. "Ch… Stop sniffling. And how come you still haven't started grumbling that you're hungry?" I grinned to myself. Sanzo could pretend all he wanted to, but there was no denying that he cared for the saru.

"I… uh… I am a bit hungry… but can I do anything for you Sanzo?"

Sanzo snorted. "If you feel like being so helpful get me a cigarette!"

"But Sanzo! There's no place were I can buy them!" The monkey's voice rose to a whine.

"Yup, and no way you can pinch them from me!" The deadly glare I got as a greeting when I decided to make my presence known, made me sure that Sanzo was well on the way to recovery. I grinned back at him. Man, I was glad everything was slowly returning back to normal.

"Give me a cigarette kappa."

I shook my finger at him. "Hasn't anyone ever taught you how to say please, oh so Honorable Genjo Sanzo?"

"Bastard."

"Give Sanzo a cigarette you selfish ero kappa!" The monkey came over and tried to snatch a cigarette. 

"My, my, just got together and already creating havoc are we?" Hakkai's amused voice joined the fray. I glanced at him and grinned, welcoming him, and the saru taking advantage of my distraction, snatched one of my cigarettes. Dammit! 

~.~.~.~.

Hakkai

~.~.~.~.

I hadn't realised how much I missed their bickering before I saw them together again.

"I got you a cigarette Sanzo!" Goku pranced happily over to Sanzo who made a grab at the cigarette, but before he could take it, Gojyo snatched it out of Goku's hand.

"Ero kappa!"

"Stupid saru!"

I smiled at the two, and drew up a chair next to Sanzo's bed. He glared at Goku and Gojyo who were still arguing over the cigarette. I could tell he was itching to hit them with his harisen. Luckily, I had removed it from his side. He turned to me abruptly. "How long have I been here?"

"A few days," I answered carefully.

"What kind of monastery are we in?"

"It's a women's temple. The high priestess Shunrei is a healer, so we brought you here." Sanzo seemed lost in thought for a moment. His next question took me by surprise. "Does she have blue eyes?" I nodded. It was unusual for him to ask such a question. Perhaps while unconscious, he too had sensed something familiar in her when she was near him. I knew it was useless to ask for an explanation anyway. 

"When can we leave?"

"I don't know… you'd better ask the high priestess."

"Already wanting to leave monk?" asked Gojyo, pausing momentarily from the barrage of insults he was exchanging with Goku. "I still need to check out the women here… funny, a temple full of women and I've only talked to two!"

"Probably they ran off on hearing that a horny water demon was around!" cut in Goku.

"Why you …"

A timid knock on the door interrupted the start of a quarrel. "Come in!" I said, hoping that perhaps this would stop the three from killing each other.

The young novice who was always with the high priestess came into the room, head bent down and blushing furiously. "Please… please, my lady sent you this… to drink… Honorable Sanzo-sama…" She lifted her head slightly, and when she met Sanzo's gaze, her eyes widened and she gasped. Then she bent her head down again, blushing even harder. "Thank you, I'll take that." I took the wooden cup from her hand and gave it to Sanzo before she could drop it. She bowed down so low that I wondered how she managed not to damage her spine. 

"I f… if you need something just call… anything Sanzo-sama…" She backed out hurriedly, but not before snatching another gaze at "the honourable Sanzo-sama" who looked like anything, but a high ranking-monk. I tried to hold myself from laughing before she had left.

"Oooo! Our dear Sanzo-Sama has a little admirer has he?" said Gojyo winking at Sanzo. "Huh… and we thought he was dying while all he was doing was trying to pick up a girl."

_"Die kappa!"_

"Ha! You wish! You haven't got your shoureiju or harisen have you? Now I can say what I … ouch! That hurt you bastard!" Gojyo rubbed his head where the now empty wooden mug made contact with his head, while scowling at the blonde monk.

"Oops. Sorry!" Sanzo smirked at Gojyo, while Goku laughed.

"I prefer you as you were before you corrupted bouzou!"

"Huh! He was as worried as much as we were Sanzo!"

"I was NOT! I was only worried that my supply of cigarettes would not last until we got out of this place!" I smiled. Nothing would ever make Gojyo admit that he had been worried about Sanzo... like all of us were.

"Ch. Cigarettes bought with my card. Give me one Gojyo."

"Invalids shouldn't smoke bozou."

"I agree, and neither should you." We started at the sound of her clear voice, as none of us heard her come in. She was standing at the doorway. Again I felt that overwhelming sense of familiarity… almost a _déjà vu_ but why? Would Sanzo feel it too? Her gaze fell on my blonde companion, and I shivered suddenly.

_Violet eyes meet blue eyes. _

_Monk stares at priestess._

_Sanzo__ meets Shunrei._

Sanzo was the first to break away, as he bowed his head gently, acknowledging her as a priestess. She returned the nod slowly

"I am glad that you are better Genjo Sanzo, but I think, the less excitement, the better," she said, as she moved closer to the bed.  Gojyo and Goku moved out of her way. 

"Perhaps we should leave," I said. I should have noticed before that Sanzo seemed tired. 

"But Hakkai! We haven't been here for more than a few minutes!" grumbled Goku

"Aiya is taking some dinner to your rooms if you'd care to have some," said Shunrei quietly. Gojyo winked at me behind her back. _Even she's understood that the saru has a stomach for a brain, he _mouthed at me silently.Goku brightened up immediately. "Really?" he said eagerly. "I'm sooo hungry! I…" Then suddenly, he frowned. I wondered what caused this sudden change in him, when I saw him glance furtively at Sanzo  "Well… actually, I think I'd rather stay here." Gojyo's mouth hung open, and he seemed to be on the point of saying something, when Sanzo cut it.

"Get out and go stuff your face _saru__," he said. Goku turned round to face him, and met the monk's glare. "I don't want you whining about how hungry you are in here. Get it?_

"But…"

"No buts. I want to get some rest. So beat it!" Goku was about to argue, but suddenly his stomach growled. He reddened, and grinned. "I'll go eat, but then can I come back. Can I? Please? I promise I'll be quiet!"

"Ch... I don't care what you do." That closest Sanzo would come to telling Goku that he didn't mind his company. We nodded to Shunrei, and left. I wondered how the two 'holy' people would get on together. Sanzo, when conscious, was not a very good patient, and definitely antisocial. I sighed as I closed the door. Maybe he'd behave himself seeing that it was a woman. Or perhaps it would be worse. Whatever happened, I was glad that he didn't have his Shoureijou at hand.

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Hmm… my paragraphs so need a bit of checking out! Thanks Hanae, will reformat asap! (Constructive criticism always appreciated!!!) Quantum, thanks for clearing that up too. UltraM2000, I received Firnheledien's pics…. They are GREAT! I loved them!! 

Reviewers… THANK YOU!!!!!! 

Sanzo: And tell GS that they can't steal the gold card from my corpse!

Konzen: (puzzled) Why not?

Sanzo: (smirks) Ha! Cause only I know how to activate the special compartment in my jeans in which I keep all my stuff! So there! If I die, the secret dies with me! Hahahaha! (evil laugh)

Gojyo: Aaaargh! Mean old monk!!!

Will update soon! (I hope)


	8. Chapter 7

Usual disclaimer….

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**Chapter 7**

**~.~.~.~.~.~**

**Shunrei******

**~.~.~.~.~.~ **

_I paced back and forth in my room, wondering what I should do. Past, present, future, all intertwined…. _

The past has caught up with me, and what I do now will determine not only my future, but also his. 

Back and forth, back and forth… time is passing, and I don't know how to behave. 

I know I'm afraid. Afraid of him, and afraid of myself. Afraid of letting myself fall prey to my emotions which would not allow me to act rationally…afraid of being hurt… afraid of everything.

_I had dreamt about meeting my son again for years. But when I met him, he would always be a child, ready to accept me… but instead I was faced with a man, old enough to question, old enough to doubt…old enough to hate. Could I face this man and tell him that I was the mother that he had never met? Would he believe me, or would he simply turn away and think that I was crazy? I wasn't sure I could stand an accusatory gaze from those eyes, a disbelieving look or simple indifference. How was I to know if he cared about me? What if he had never even thought of me, or if he thought that I was meaningless? These thoughts tormented me endlessly, ever since I had come to know that he was my son. My previous doubts and fears, instead of being relieved, were now replaced by others._

_ I threw myself on a chair, and buried my face in my hands, trying to rest my aching head, and longing to tear out my aching heart. Why did everything have to be so hard? _

_"My lady?"__ I looked up and saw Aiya at the door. I sprang out of my chair, seething with anger. "How dare you come in here?" I hissed at her, furious at being seen like this. "Why didn't you knock you stupid girl? Don't you know how you should behave?" The girl was scared stiff._

_"I…I'm sorry, I.. I.. knocked but.." _

_"And stop stuttering like a dolt! You're a novice, not an idiot brat!" She was shaking, and tears welled up in her eyes. I paused, still glaring at her. The girl had caught me in a rare moment of weakness, a side no one was allowed to witness. "What do you want? Answer me!" My voice was sharp, and made her start. _

_"I just wanted to tell you that… I gave him the medicine ma'am… I knocked but you didn't answer…" She rubbed her eyes, and looked at the floor unhappily. I had been too harsh on her, but I wasn't going to admit that; I felt too confused and enraged. "Good. Now get out! And if I don't answer, that means I don't want to be disturbed!" She bowed and left, still sniffing. I sighed as she closed the door, and fell back on the chair, my anger leaving me as suddenly as it had come. My child… he had been awake then if she had given him the medicine… the temptation to go by his side and take him in my arms was growing by the second. But I had to reflect.  Had I the right to enter his life like this? Perhaps to make him suffer? But I wouldn't be taking the place of any adoptive mother. From what the green eyed man had let fall, I understood that he had been brought up at a temple. I smiled grimly… the irony of destiny… abandoned by one temple, taken up by another… But what should I do? Did I have the right to hide his parentage from him? _

_I rose slowly, and made my way to the door. I had better visit him first, for after all, he still was my patient. I could decide later what I would do. But oh gods in the heavens above… how I wished for a sign to how I should behave…._

~~~~~~

I was alone with my son. 

I was nervous, but I knew by now how to keep my face expressionless, whatever my feelings. He nodded at me as I sat down by his side. "I am grateful for your hospitality Shunrei-sama," he said, voice just as cold as mine could ever be.

"My temple offers shelter to those who need it, as our order requires," I replied in the same way, thus ending all formalities. In vain did I look for a glimmer of recognition in those too familiar eyes, and a wave of disappointment overwhelmed me. For all my attempts to deceive myself, I had been hoping that in some miraculous way he would know that I was his mother. _Foolish, foolish woman_! _How could he have remembered a woman he has never seen?_ The violet-eyed stranger who was my own flesh and blood, waited silently. "I need to examine your wounds." His eyes narrowed, and he did not seem too pleased at the suggestion, or rather, at my order. Hesitantly, he let me untie the bandages, as his eyes followed my every movement. His lean body was stiff and tense, and I could sense his dislike of my touching him. Little did he know how much it pained me to see him straining not to flinch at my every touch.

I proceeded with the cleaning of the wounds, which thankfully seemed to be healing quite well now. No sound was heard in the room, except for my movements. I searched desperately for something to say, but what? I had never been the one to indulge in small talk, and apparently, neither was he. I longed to ask him about his life, get to know my child… but instead, I remained mute. Not a word passed between us until I had covered his wounds.

"When can we leave?" His curt voice startled me. I looked up. Leave? Oh gods…

"You seem very impatient to leave, Genjo Sanzo." I could scarcely keep the bitterness out of my voice. Why did he have to talk of leaving so soon? I bit my lip, as I saw him looking at me, somewhat strangely, as if he were surprised by my remark. Why couldn't I have kept my mouth shut?

"I have a mission to accomplish," he answered stiffly. "And the less the delay, the better."

"Of course." I stood up abruptly and moved to the window. "A week should be enough for you to heal sufficiently for travelling." How stupid could I get? It was obvious that he would have wanted to leave. We remained in silence for some time. "Is this mission very important to you?" the words escaped my lips unthinkingly. 

"That is of no consequence. I have to do it, and that is enough." Hearing that voice, so calm and indifferent made me want to scream out loud.

_Please, please… you're my son, I can't just let you go like that!_

"You don't seem to allow anything to stop you do you Genjo Sanzo?"

"No." He didn't even pause to think. "Any interference has to be removed."

I clenched my fists. I knew what I was meant to do now.

~~~~~~~

**~.~.~.~.**

**Sanzo******

**~.~.~.~.**

She was a far cry from the usual abbots or priestesses I had met during my travels. I watched her as she stood with her back to me as she gazed out the window, golden hair cascading down her back. I had expected her to be a more demure type, perhaps older, with hair shaved or at least cut short, as was the practice in most women's temples. Not that it worried me. I had never been the type to bother about these stupid rules unless I needed something. Yet, she was definitely unusual. Her questions were almost too direct for my taste, and I was certain that there was something behind all this, but what? There was no evil presence in the place, as far as I could tell, even though her spiritual force was high, which was not unusual seeing that she was a high priestess. Whatever. As long as she didn't fawn over me, begging for the usual sermons and blessings, she could behave as she saw best.  

"Your friends care a lot about you. Especially the young one." 

"They're not friends. They're servants." The answer came out automatically. I might have known that the silence had been too good to last. She turned her head slightly, and her eyes met mine. "So that's how you see things is it?" she said softly. She was starting to unnerve me, with her meaningless comments, and that strange look in those chilling blue eyes, eyes which had haunted me for days in my sleep… I shrugged, not bothering to reply. I didn't understand what she was trying to get to; if she wanted, she could explain herself. Looking around I noticed that the kappa had left his cigarettes and lighter next to my bed. I needed a smoke. I placed one fag between my lips and lit it.

"I thought I had already told you that you shouldn't smoke." She was frowning at me now. 

"So what?" By being rude, I hoped to shut her up. The last thing I wanted was to be given a lectures on the ill-effects of smoking.

"So put that out." 

"Forget it." I inhaled deeply. She literally bounded over to my side and snatched away the cigarette from my hand, leaving me gaping at her. What the hell was she playing at by treating me like a brat? I glared at her, and she glared back, undaunted, as she stubbed out the cigarette. 

"What the hell are you doing?" I hissed, feeling very stupid.

"I told you, you shouldn't smoke!" she answered, her voice rising.

"Why the fuck should you care whether I smoke or not?" I spat back, furiously. She paused, and I saw a flicker of uncertainty in her eyes. Then it was replaced by anger.

"I am the healer, and you are the patient so you do what I say, get it?" she snapped, as she grabbed the rest of the cigarettes as well as the lighter.  "And now excuse me, but I have other duties to attend to."

She turned round, ready to leave, when the door opened suddenly, interrupting my retort. Goku rushed in, and stopped short at the doorway as he saw Shunrei in front of him.

"Sanzo, you're up already! I thought…" His eyes widened, and he blushed. "I…I'm sorry, you're so alike, and it's almost dark…I thought you were him…" 

He looked from me to Shunrei grinning apologetically, rubbing the back of his head. I glanced at the high priestess. It may have been a trick of the light, but she looked paler than ever. Shunrei regained her composure rapidly, and nodded briefly at Goku, while ignoring me completely, and hurried out of the room. 

I felt a sudden shiver running down my spine for no reason I could fathom. After all, it was just the _saru_ was behaving like the idiot he was, nothing more.

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**A/N: I don't know if it is the custom of Buddhist nuns to cut their hair or not… Sorry for this inaccuracy if not!**

Will try to update tomorrow… or this weekend… or next week… perhaps next month…


	9. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer:** I do own Saiyuki…in my dreams :p

Have just seen the film "The Pianist" it is good, and horribly, horribly sad… makes me mad to see how cruel people can be….Anyway, back to us… you didn't have to wait a month for this, but sorry for the delay anyway :) I can't believe I'm already at Chapter 8; this was supposed to be something short! But the future, my friends, is always full of surprises, and my fingers are still tapping away at the keyboard…

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**Chapter 8 **

**~.~.~.~.~**

**Shunrei******

**~.~.~.~.~**

Oh gods above… _you are so alike_…. I hurried through the corridors, trying to get as far away as possible, trying to erase those words from my memory… _you are so alike…. No one must notice. No one must get to know about all this. For I knew now, that I could never tell Sanzo that I was his mother. I must have been mad to think I should have confessed the whole truth. I could imagine him looking at me in hatred, blaming me for whatever he had gone true. Or worse, I could see him shrug, indifferent, telling me that by now he did not need me, that he did not care…_

Engrossed in my thoughts, I didn't notice he was there until I bumped into him. "I'm sorry, I was distracted." His emerald eyes looked down anxiously at me. "Excuse me, but are you well Shunrei-sama? You seem quite pale…"

"It's none of your business! And look where you're going another time!" I hissed, as I swept past him, ignoring his surprised look. I couldn't bear talking to anyone, anyone. I finally reached my quarters. Rushing into my room, I locked the door behind me, before collapsing onto my bed. His voice kept echoing through my head…

_I have a mission to accomplish… _

_Interference must be eliminated…_

_Why the fuck should you care?_

He was right. I had lost the right to care as soon as I let them take him away. What a fool I had been to think there was some hope of being reunited with my son. In the span of a few minutes, I saw all my dreams and hopes come crashing down, to be faced with the sordid truth. He would never be mine... I had imagined that perhaps he would be like Hiroshi, warm and caring, but instead… instead…My child was like me. I tried to laugh, but I could not. In my son, I had found another Shunrei... a cold, embittered being, who would never accept me. The look in his eyes… cold, determined, uncaring…I knew it too well... I had felt it too often on my own face. Why, why, why? It was not right. I had wanted my son to grow up loved and happy, and live the life which had been taken away from me. But I saw pain, and sadness hidden deep in those amethyst eyes. When I touched him, I could sense a disquieted spirit, tormented by memories, but exactly of what, I could not tell. And what was worse, I could not even comfort him.

Why had the gods allowed this meeting to take place? Had I not suffered enough already? Did I deserve to see my son, and then know that I had to lose him again? I longed for him to get better and leave, so that I could try to ease the pain of the wounds in my heart which he had opened afresh.  

~~~~~

**~.~.~.~.~**

**Hakkai******

**~.~.~.~.~**

I watched her as she walked quickly off. What on earth had Sanzo done to make her so mad? I sighed softly. Actually, it wasn't that surprising. I had almost expected sparks to fly when those two met. They were much of a kind, as far as I could tell. And yet, the high priestess did not seem to be a woman whom one could shake easily. There seemed to be more than simple anger in her eyes…

In the distance, a sudden loud crash was heard, followed by a howl.

I froze, and I felt my heart beat quicken. It had…it had come from Sanzo's room. My mouth felt dry, and I caught my breath quickly. _Oh, no, not again… _Images coursed through my brain_ … youkai… claws gleaming in the moonlight, dripping with blood… eyes gloating… a body on the ground…Sanzo…_

I regained hold of my senses, and sped off to his room, cursing the moment I had left it.

_Sanzo__… please, not again, please…_

~~~~~

**~.~.~.~**

**Goku******

**~.~.~.~**

The door crashed open. Both Sanzo and I stared. Hakkai stood there, pale and panting, hair dishevelled and eyes full of panic. In short, the image of what Hakkai never looked like. "What… what…" His voice faded as he took in the sight. I followed his gaze and grinned guiltily. "Sorry, my fault, I'll clean up myself."

Some colour returned to his pale cheeks. "What happened? I heard a crash and then, someone howled…"

"I…uh… well, I kind of tripped, and hit the table… then I fell to the floor and the bottle of saké I sneaked up fell on my head and broke…" I wiped my face as the liquid was still dripping down my head. I looked at Sanzo, and was surprised to see that he had stopped scowling at me and was looking instead at Hakkai. Coming to think of it, Hakkai had looked rather strange when he'd come in. "Say, Hakkai, are you ok?" My green eyed friend forced a laugh. "Of course I am! You just scared me a bit, that's all." He smiled at me, and gave me his hand. I smiled back, as he pulled me up. He turned to Sanzo, who hadn't taken his eyes off him ever since he'd entered the room. 

"By the way," Hakkai said, as he sat down on the edge of the bed. "Is everything fine? I met Shunrei and she seemed, quite…upset."

"I don't know and I don't care." Sanzo's voice seemed quite harsh. I felt a sudden twinge of guilt, and I blushed. "Oh…Maybe it's my fault… Cause I thought that she…"

"Shut up!" Sanzo glared at me. "Don't mention that again get it? Or I'll kill you!" I subsided into silence under his threatening gaze, while Hakkai looked curiously from me to Sanzo. Why did he have to yell at me like that? It wasn't my fault if she'd taken it badly. It was a mistake anyone could make! It was almost dark, they both had gold hair and wore white robes. Suddenly it hit me… maybe Sanzo didn't want me to tell Hakkai cause he thought I was comparing him to a woman! That always made him mad. I groaned inwardly. I had a fantastic talent of saying the things which managed to irritate Sanzo. I crept closer to the bed. Hakkai had moved to the table, and was trying to clear up the mess. "Sanzo?" I whispered softly. "I don't think you look like a woman you know." 

He lifted his eyebrows slightly, and looked straight into my eyes. "If I didn't know that you didn't have a brain, I'd think that I'd permanently damaged yours," he said slowly.

"Sanzo! That's mean! I was only trying to say sorry!" I crossed my arms, and I glared at him. He shrugged.

"Ch…whatever." He looked at where Hakkai was clearing up. "Why don't you help in cleaning the mess you made?" I grinned and nodded. He didn't seem to be mad at me anymore. I was glad; I hated him being angry at me. I bounded over to where Hakkai was, and started picking up the bits of glass which were on the floor.

~~~~~ 

We had finished clearing up the mess, and we were now resting in silence in Sanzo's room. Hakkai was sitting on a chair and I was sitting on the floor, leaning my back on the bed.

"We'll leave in two day's time." Hakkai and I looked up at the sound of Sanzo's voice.

"Are you sure you'll be well by then Sanzo? You still are pretty weak." Hakkai looked rather doubtfully at Sanzo's thin, pale face. He looked like a shadow of his former self… he definitely did not look strong enough to proceed along our journey, and I doubted it he could face a pack of youkai in that state.  I felt slightly guilty. Perhaps I had made him tired because of all the noise I had made before. 

"We are leaving in two day's time," Sanzo repeated firmly.

"But… Sanzo, wouldn't it be better if we waited…"

"Which part didn't you understand, _baku__ saru?" Sanzo frowned at me._

"I just don't want you to get sick, like before." I was worried. He hadn't recovered; even I could see that, and I didn't want to see him suffer again.

"I won't get sick. And I'm not repeating myself. Get it?" Hakkai and I looked at each other. I could see my own anxiety reflected in his eyes. When Sanzo decided we had to leave, it was practically impossible to change his mind.

~~~~~   

**~.~.~.~**

**Sanzo******

**~.~.~.~**

_"Sanzo?"___

_"What?" Hakkai had waited until Goku had gone out of the room before telling me what had been on his mind for quite some time. _

_"It's just that…" He hesitated, trying to find the right words. "Shunrei… I keep feeling that there's something familiar about her, but I can't understand what…" His emerald eyes looked straight into mine. "You feel that too don't you?"_

_ I shrugged. "Perhaps. But I can't sense any evil about this place."_

_"No," he said slowly, "But it's unnerving…"_

_"__Ch.__ You can stop worrying about it. We're soon leaving anyway."_

~~~~~

Both Hakkai and I had felt that there was something strange about this woman. There was something in her which unnerved me. This temple, the air itself was stifling me by the air of mystery. But why was I so worried? I didn't believe she meant any harm, and we were leaving soon. And anyway, this had nothing to do with me, and I wasn't interested in her...but if so, why did I keep thinking about her? And why that sudden chill when Goku uttered those stupid words? I felt so sure that the answer to all my questions was staring at me in the face if I could only see it.

I lit up a cigarette I had managed to pinch off Gojyo. Luckily, he assumed that I had smoked all the others, even though he kicked up some fuss when I told him I had misplaced the lighter. That was something else which irritated me. How dare she treat me as if I were a child? I inhaled deeply. The cigarette end glowed brightly in the darkness. There was a complete silence broken only by the sound of leaves rustling in the wind. This place made feel uneasy. It seemed to be familiar although I was certain that I had never set foot in this temple before. She too made me feel uneasy. I could deal with the usual type of holy people, but this one was different, in a way, she was too much like… like me. I shook my head furiously. What the hell was I doing, comparing myself to her? It must be Goku's influence. But, even she seemed unnerved by his words… was she hiding something from me? And if so, what? I stubbed out the cigarette. The sooner I got away from this place, the better.

I felt tired, and I settled back on the bed, trying to find a comfortable position. I closed my eyes, and tried to forget…

~~~

_"Koryou the river drifter… Koryou the river drifter…" their voices mock me as I struggle to get out of the water. But I can't… the current is too strong for me. I try to shout for help, but water enters my mouth. I feel weak and afraid. I gasp, and know that I am about to drown. My head disappears beneath the water…it is the end… Suddenly, I feel a hand clutching my own, pulling me out, and dragging me to safety. I feel hopeful…Komyou Sanzo… I know it is him. I open my eyes, ready to meet my master's gaze, but icy blue eyes meet mine instead. _

~~~

I jerked my eyes open. It was still dark. I shifted slightly, and settled down again, trying to sleep. It had only been a stupid dream.

~~~

**TBC**

~~~

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A big thank you to all those who reviewed!! THANK YOU!!!! (and multiply that for 1x101000000 times. Did I show enough appreciation?? ^_^)

**Gallatica****: Eeek! Sorry for the mistake! Thanks a lot for telling me ^_^ I though "-sama" was a term of respect for an older person. Can you suggest what to use? I'd be very grateful if someone would tell me which prefixes are for whom! I don't study Japanese, and my ideas are a bit confused on this subject. (Sank you for the chocolates btw)**

**fye**** chan: My idea of Hiroshi? I never watched yami no matsuei before, but I surfed the net and saw a pic… yes… take the black hair and the purple eyes and transfer onto Hakkai, and that's relatively what Hiroshi should look like. Naturally, he is unique… so he's not exactly like one or the other. Will try to send you a rough drawing I made one of these days. (Note… I am not good at drawing… he is not as bad as he looks in this picture) Just keep in mind that he's supposed to be handsome (_gorgeous actually… I mean, he is Sanzo's father after all) and he's the kind of guy who can look serious, but can break into a boyish smile which makes you want to smile back. (_And what's best of all… He's mine!! Even though I killed him off ;p_) That's how I see him :) Hope this doesn't sound too confusing ^_^  _**

 I know some people are going to kill me cause the still haven't got to know who's who… you can blame those two icebergs over there ( _Sanzo_ is heard in the background_… what the hell does she expect us to do? Run into each others arms all of a sudden cause I've had a dream in which some weirdo tells me that she's my mother? These things need time!!!) Right. But I promise that it will soon end. To make myself forgiven for the suspense, I'll tell you what's going to happen…&^$#^$$%W@#@#^#@^ Oh dear… that's strange… when I try to write about the next chapter, strange words are typed out.. ;-p Just joking!! But something unexpected is going to happen in the next chapter, which may lead to the blondes' reunion… or perhaps not? *_Konzen___ waves her Evil Fanfic Writer badge and grins happily* _

**Warning**: a horrific threat to the time dedicated to my fanfics is looming on the horizon. Can't guess what it is? Really? It's **school**. Yes my fellow sufferers…My hardest year yet… *shivers at the thought of her Horribly Hard Exams*.  

Sanzo: Good. That will teach you to spend your free time torturing me by writing stupid fanfics. 

Konzen: *sobs away into her handkerchief ignoring Sanzo completely*            

Hakkai: *looking worried* Hmm… that's strange… usually she answers back or starts threatening Sanzo… perhaps I should call a doctor… 

Sanzo: *sweatdrops* Oi! You baka! Can't you answer when someone's insulting you?

Goku: *looking completely bewildered* Sanzo, what's school? Can you eat school? Or exams? Huh??

Konzen: *wails even louder and starts hitting at everyone she sees with her schoolbooks* 

Sanzo-ikkou: HELP!!!!


	10. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: Me? Own Saiyuki? You're joking…**

This is drawing (very slowly) to an end… only a couple of chapters left after this…

**NOTE: I revised this chapter and went more into more detail as was requested! Plus, I realised that I had left some important detail out (OUCH!!! _Rubs head as she glares at Sanzo who's just hit her with his paper fan) Anyway…Hope this is better ^_^_**

Btw… can anyone tell me what Gojyo's weapon is called??? I need to know asap!!! Please!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Chapter 9**

**~.~.~.~**

**Gojyo******

**~.~.~.~**

"So have you been here long?" 

"Only a year sir." The girl was sweeping the floor, oblivious of my gorgeous smile. I sighed. These temple girls were too demure for my taste. I had been trying to have some conversation with this novice for ages, and was only being answered by brief sentences or monosyllables. Not really worth risking my life anyway… If Shunrei ever got to know I was trying to flirt with a novice, she'd probably borrow Sanzo's gun and blow a hole through my head. Strange how she and Sanzo didn't get on, seeing how alike in character they were. Proud, cold and mean. I grinned to myself. It must be something required on their job application… _Wanted… a stone hearted meanie who doesn't know how to have a bit of fun_… would suit them right to the ground. Well… better a mean Sanzo who was alive than a dead Sanzo. I bit my lip. I had to stop being an idiot. It was all over. The monk was back to himself, bent on making our lives hell. It was useless worrying. Now was the time to have a bit of fun.

The girl was still sweeping the floor. I decided to see if my theory considering certain her… uh… emotions on a certain person of my acquaintance were right. "Sanzo was pleased with your services." Actually, the monk had been out cold when she'd been near, or hadn't even bothered to thank her, but why not tease her a litle? Sure enough, she changed colour, and looked up at me with shining eyes. "Re…really?" She looked ready to fly to the high heavens. "I… I am so honoured…. He… he's a very special… I mean, important person…and… and…" She babbled on, full of adoration for the Honourable Genjo Sanzo. I nearly laughed when I heard her listing the virtues of the corrupted monk. I leaned back on the chair, wondering what she'd say if she suddenly heard him cursing like only he knew how… 

I stiffened. _Oh shit. Was it possible? Frowning, I waited, wanting to make sure that it was not simply my impression. Yes… it was weak, but there._

_ How the fuck did get to know? Dammit!I should have known that this was too good to last. _

I clenched my fists. Well this time they wouldn't get us unprepared. They'd get to Sanzo over my dead body. 

Standing up abruptly, I left the astonished girl and went off to find Hakkai.

**~.~.~.~**

**Sanzo******

**~.~.~.~**

I was not going to stay in this monastery a day longer than necessary. And that meant I had to regain the use of my limbs fast. I threw away the covers and placed my legs on the ground. Pressing my fists on the mattress, I got ready to heave myself upwards. _One, two, three… I gave myself a push upwards, I was up… I cursed loudly as my legs crumbled beneath me, and I fell on the floor, as if I were a stuffed doll._

The only good thing was that I was alone. I would not have borne Hakkai's encouraging comments, the saru's insistent whine to be allowed to help me or the kappa's taunts. I clambered onto the bed, wanting to scream at my every movement. It hurt to move, and standing up, or at least trying to, was sheer agony. I swore volubly as my vision blurred. I couldn't keep my bloody balance. Well I'd just have to, seeing that I had told them we'd be leaving. There was no way I'd go back on my word. 

Clenching my teeth, I tried to stand up again. This time I made it. Everything stayed in its rightful place, and the feeling of nausea faded away. I took a few painful steps, and collapsed on a chair, panting heavily. Wiping the sweat on my forehead, I tried to catch my breath. It was like learning to walk all over again. I glanced around. There was a table near the window where my robe and the sutra were placed... I'd make it there at least. I dragged myself up again, still holding onto the chair for support. Slowly, I let go and stumbled towards it. _Why the fuck had it got to be so far? One step… another…another… I stumbled and nearly fell flat on my face, but luckily I caught the table in time. I leaned heavily on it, trying to rest. I scowled. If the kappa had seen me like that, I'd never have lived it down. _

My hand brushed over the sutra. I glanced down at it. I had felt almost naked without it… Slowly I took my robe and slipped it over my head. Then I place the sutra on my shoulders… Now, I had almost returned back to myself… Genjo Sanzo… 

Sighing, I looked out of the window and as I looked outside, and I saw a river. Hn… perhaps that's why I had been having crazy dreams and thoughts lately. Rivers had always had a bad effect on me…  The place was full of trees. I'd never… I leaned slightly forward and stood still. I was almost sure that I'd seen something move…but there was nothing there. I suddenly felt uneasy. I did not make mistakes so easily. Something was definitely lurking out there.

_My shoureijou… I stumbled back to the bed, almost tripping on the folds of my robes. I collapsed onto it, tired out, and I slid my hand beneath the mattress. I got out my gun and fondled it. I was glad I had told Goku to get it for me. I always felt safer when I had the shoureijou, although I doubted if I was really up to fighting whatever could be hiding out there. _

The uneasy feeling grew, and I was sure I could sense a distinct aura of evil… 

**~.~.~.~**

**Hakkai******

**~.~.~.~**

"I know he's not yet strong enough, but I'm afraid he's decided to leave." I smiled weakly at her glare. "It's useless trying to…" I stopped halfway through my sentence. _Youkai__.__ Closing in… The sense of their presence overwhelmed me. This time I was sure of it. _

The high priestess looked at me strangely. Goku looked up from his food, struck by the sudden silence. "Hakkai, what's happening?" he asked, swallowing his mouthful, golden eyes full of worry. I opened my mouth to answer, but Gojyo came running into the kitchen. Our eyes met, and I nodded slowly. "You've felt it too, haven't you?" he asked quietly, crimson eyes full of anxiety. 

"Are there many of them?" I turned to her startled. I hadn't been aware that she could sense their presence too. I decided it was no use hiding the truth from her. 

"I'm afraid there are, and they are approaching fast." She gave me no answer but made her way to the door leading to the inside of the temple. Shunrei called out, and a priestess came running to her. I overheard only a few snatches of the conversation, and the other woman's face paled. She nodded furiously, and after giving us a brief look, hurried off. The high priestess turned to me. "I have sent them to hide in our underground passageways. They are women of prayer, and know nothing about fighting." She moved closer to me. "They are here for _him_, are they not?" Her voice was soft, her expression unreadable. I nodded. She frowned and looked away.   

"We must get him to safety." I hesitated. "And you too, my lady. This is no place for you." She frowned at this, and I could see that she did not like being sent away to hide. But now was not the time to argue. We had demons to face, and Sanzo was in danger. And she could help us save him.

"Hakkai!! Watch out!!" I ducked to the floor, pulling her down with me, just as a spear sped past me and hit the wall. Leering faces were at every window, and the only way of escape was through the kitchen door, back into the temple. I stood up and pushed Shunrei towards the door. "Goku, you two have to get to Sanzo now! Quick! Gojyo and I will take care of these!" Goku nodded, and grabbed the high priestess's arm. They rushed out of the room, as the demons burst through the windows.  I avoided a punch to the face, and kicked my aggressor in the stomach, making him howl in pain. "Sorry for having made you stay here, Gojyo!"

Gojyo grinned as he slammed a youkai to the floor. "Are you kidding?" he yelled. "I wouldn't have missed this for anything! Come on, let's kick some ass!" 

I would not let Sanzo down this time.  

~~~~~

**~.~.~.~**

**Goku******

**~.~.~.~**

_On, and on and on…__ Don't these corridors ever end?_

We kept on running, although I had to slow down slightly, for she couldn't keep up with me… and I didn't know the way. If they had already reached Sanzo… I groaned. There were demons coming at us from behind, and others were approaching from the front. There weren't that much, only thirty or so; I could handle them alone. I looked at the high priestess. She knew the way to Sanzo's room, and she knew where to hide. "You have to get to Sanzo." 

She looked at me in disbelief. "How?"

"I'll make a passage through the demons, and you go on. I'll take care of these _youkai." She seemed hesitant, but finally nodded. I was glad of that; it saved precious time. "Please get him to safety!"_

She nodded again. "Good luck boy." I turned to the group that were blocking the way to Sano's room. I threw myself at them and started hitting left right and centre, as they leapt at me, claws and fangs barred. She rushed past me and almost got through when one of them grabbed her robe with his filthy hands. He pulled her towards him as she struggled to get away. "Let go of me you scum!" she hissed, voice dripping with anger. He laughed evilly at her face and he lifted his claws up, ready to strike…. He slumped to the floor as I crashed his skull in with my Nyaibou. He icy blue eyes met mine. "Thank you," she said. She was definitely brave… her voice didn't even shake. I watched her get away, and turned back to the _youkai__._

"You're dead meat," spat one of them.  

"That's what you think." I grinned as I got ready to attack. "I love a bit of exercise after eating."

_Don't worry Sanzo… I'll never let them get to you… never again._

~~~~~

**~.~.~.~.~**

**Shunrei******

**~.~.~.~.~**

Why did it seem to take me so long to arrive? The blood-curdling shrieks faded in the distance…that boy was either mad, or very strong… thirty youkai or so and he was dealing with them on his own… I had had to leave him, deciding to trust in him. I wouldn't have been of much use anyway, remembering that filthy scum with a shudder. I nearly believed it was the end…. At last, his door… I rushed in to find myself faced with a shoureiju pointed straight at my head.  

"What the fuck is happening?" He glared at me as he stood unsteadily in front of me.  I stared at him. How had he managed to get up by himself? It was incredible, but lucky, for I had no idea how I'd have managed to drag an unconscious man by myself. I tried to explain quickly. "There are _youkai_ everywhere. We have to hide, now!"

"I'm not running away."

"You barely stand on your feet, and you want to take on a pack of demons by yourself?" I was growing irritated. Couldn't he understand that he could get killed? "Brilliant idea priest!"

His eyes narrowed dangerously. "Don't you even _dare_ mock me." His voice was calm, but I could sense an edge to it. I ignored him and slipped my arm around his waist. His violet eyes widened in surprise and anger. "Get your hand off me!" he hissed as he tried to move away.

That was it. There was a limit to my patience. "Fine, then fall!" I snapped back and I let go. He swayed, and was about to fall down, but I caught hold of him again. This time he didn't try to pull away. 

"Bitch." 

~~~~~

"Where are we going?"

"Underground, they can't get us there." I was about to turn round the corner, when the murmur of voices made me stop. I looked quickly round the corner. Another group of _youkai were approaching. There was no way we could get to the cellars now. The only place which was left were the temple grounds. I motioned to Sanzo to be quiet and I lead him through another passageway. I sneaked a look at him quickly; his lips were drawn in a thin line, and beads of sweat formed on his forehead.  Suddenly he stumbled, and I tightened my grasp on him. He hissed with annoyance, probably angry with himself for having shown a sign of weakness before me. I could tell that every step was agony for him, but we couldn't afford to rest. It was too dangerous. _

Only a few steps further and we would make it… We were finally outside. We were safe. I lead him on, silently, feeling relieved that he was out of harm's way. Further down he would be able to rest at last. I too, needed some respite, for I was rather tired. Comforted by the thought that my son was safe, I let my thoughts wander… He stopped abruptly, and I looked up, annoyed. His eyes looked straight ahead, cold and expressionless. He swore softly, and I followed his gaze. My heart stopped.

A group of demons stood smirking at us.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cliffie? Where? Where? _*hides from the murderous glare on her readers' faces.* Please don't kill me… otherwise you won't know how this ends! Just two little chapters left, and the whole thing will be over… I promise over Hakuryu's spare tyre! :p_

Hakuryu: *sweatdrops*  Kyuu???

Hakkai: By the way, please excuse Konzen-san for the action scenes… she's not very good at them, that's why she usually sticks to angst. ^_^

Reviewers… **THANK YOU!!!!!!! I love reading your reviews ^_^ They make writing this fic an even more enjoyable experience! Thank you for your support, and I wish all of you the best of luck too!!!!  Some replies now…**

**Roy****: As you say, Hakkai is being the overly sensitive guy. I see him as being the most observant one in the group, so it would be practically impossible for him not to notice certain mannerisms, and behaviour etc... Gojyo comments on their similarity in character, but doesn't really see it as something particularly unusual. Goku, innocently observes that Sanzo and Shunrei look alike, but being Goku, he doesn't really see the connection. Sorry, but that's the way I thought it should be!**

I feel the same… I'll be sorry when it ends, but I know a lot of people will be glad that the suspense is finally over! *grins apologetically*

**Genjo**** Sanzo1: Thanks for your encouragement! I bet university will be great, and that you'll have a great time! I wish you the best of luck!!! Update soon ok?**

**Blades of Ice: Can't resist putting a bit of angst in the last chapters so… :-)**

**Thowra****,** Fuuei-chan, annonymouse, UltraM2000 and all those who want to know how this will end…** Hmm… just to give a little hint… _some_ people are _not_ going to get to know who Shunrei is… But I'm not saying who….yet…**

Oh, and thanks for the info about whether Buddhist nuns cut their hair or not… one thing is definite… they don't keep it long!!!!!


	11. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: Do I really need to say that I don't own Saiyuki?**

**Please Note: I have slightly modified the previous chapter, as I omitted a few details. Sorry!**

And now, chapter 10 is finally up!! Sorry for the suspense, but I really couldn't resist putting in a little cliffie back there… Anyway… prepare yourself for a long chapter, an interesting revelation, and very bad action scenes!! Three cheers for Konzen! Hip, hip! Hurr…*_notices that no one else is cheering… and drops head down despondently* Oh well… here goes…_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

**Chapter 10**

****

**~.~.~.~**

**Sanzo******

**~.~.~.~**

I scowled at the big, ugly one in front who looked stupid enough to be their leader. "You never give up do you?"

He barred his yellow fangs at me and laughed. "We have orders to get our hands on the sutra." He licked his lips. "And permission to do what we like with you…something to which we're looking forward, right ? " His minions grunted or laughed in agreement, and I could feel the priestess's grip on me tighten. 

"Oh really?" I twisted my lips into a smile, as I looked straight into his eyes. "And what makes you think you'll manage to get your hands on me?" I drew the shoureijou from my robes. I knew I looked and sounded confident, but I felt my heart sinking. What could two people and five bullets do against twenty youkai? Last time they had been less, and I had all my strength, but still they had nearly killed me. Anyway, I'd rather die fighting than give up the sutra to that brute.

"Cheap scum." Her voice was loud and clear. I looked at her angrily. What was she up to now? I had enough problems on my hands without trying to deal with her too. She ignored me, and continued to speak to the youkai leader, blue eyes flashing with rage. "How dare you attack us and contaminate this place by your presence?"

The arrogant bastard smirked. "Don't worry, milady… your turn will come too after we finish with the pretty boy beside you." He leered at her, and she tensed up, eyes narrowing in revulsion. 

"Dream on, you filth!" she spat back. "Try to come closer and I'll tear your guts out before I'll let you lay a finger on us." She and the ugly brute glared at each other. I tightened my grasp on the shoureijou. This was getting on my nerves. I had no patience with people risking their lives for something which did not concern them. Her place was not out here, but with the rest of the women. This was my battle, and I should be facing them alone, not with her around.

"Why don't you stay out of this?" I hissed in undertone. "Get away while you can. I can deal with them alone!" She turned her gaze towards me, eyebrows slightly raised.  

"Of _course you can Sanzo-sama," she replied, voice dripping with sarcasm. "Assuming you can stay upright long enough, that is." I glowered at her as she smiled back at me sweetly. I swore to myself softly. _If they don't kill her first, then I will.__

~~~~~~~~

~.~.~.~

Gojyo

~.~.~.~

I leapt deftly to the side as he tried to stick his dagger into my gut, and I returned the favour by plunging the blade of my shakujo into his back. He screamed and his body fragmented into a thousand particles. "And that's another one gone," I muttered darkly. Hakkai was blasting away kii balls as fast as he could generate them. They were many, and we had to stop them reaching Sanzo.  A sudden movement caught my eye. "Oh no you don't!" I yelled, as my blade tore through the body of one of the more astute ones who had made for the door, trying to reach the other rooms to search for the monk. I stood up quickly, ready to rejoin the battle… 

"Gojyo, look out!" I turned to see another leaping at me, claws bared, ready to bury themselves into my flesh. There was no way I'd manage to avoid this attack in time…

~~~~~~~~

~.~.~.~

Goku

~.~.~.~

The last few stared fiercely back at me. I grinned as I swirled my Nyoibou. Sanzo would have been proud of the way I was handling this so quickly. "Do you give up?" I yelled at them. Their reply was to hurl themselves at me, screeching loudly. I sighed. They didn't know when they had to stop. "Then die!" I shouted as I leapt to meet them. I twisted my body to avoid a straight kick to the face and blocked the punch the other one threw at me. One of them grazed my cheek with his claws as I dodged him but I dug my knee into his stomach and he howled, spitting out blood. He dropped to the grounds as I raised my nyoibou. This had been going on far enough. 

~~~~

I fell on my feet, and I leaned on the wall, wiping away the few drops of blood that had trickled down from the scratch on my cheek. I wondered how Gojyo and Hakkai were faring. I passed my fingers through my hair thoughtfully. These youkai were defeated, and Sanzo should have been already taken to safety. So why did I still feel uneasy? He couldn't be in danger… 

"_Kill him!" I raised my eyes to see another group of demons approaching and groaned inwardly. Didn't they ever learn? I got ready to meet them. The sooner I got rid of these idiots, the faster I would get to Sanzo._

~~~~~~~~

~.~.~.~

Sanzo

~.~.~.~

"Well? Have you decided to give us the sutra?"

We looked up as he approached slowly. "A stupid question like that doesn't deserve and answer," I answered back. We had to act fast. They weren't going to stay still without attacking us much longer. 

"Keep a civil tongue in your head monk!" he yelled, red with anger. "Or I'll make you rue the day you were born!" I shrugged my shoulders trying to seem indifferent. I felt Shunrei tug at my sleeve gently, and I looked at her with growing irritation, to see what she wanted now. _Are you or aren't you a Sanzo?_ she mouthed at me. I frowned. What the hell did she mean by that? What it another of her riddles? I was about to snap back when I followed her gaze to see that her eyes were focused on… Then it dawned on me. How had I managed to be so bloody stupid?

"Here you! Stop talking!" the demon shrieked. "This is your last chance to give up the sutra! Do you get it?"

_I understand, I mouthed back at her__. Take this. I pressed the shoureijou in her hands, hoping that the high priestess knew how to pull a trigger._

~~~~~~~

~.~.~.~

Gojyo

~.~.~.~

"Gojyo, look out!" I saw the demon lunging at me, and there was no way I could avoid him. His high pitched scream resounded in my ears as he came closer and closer…

_No…it can't end like this... how could I have been so slow…_

"Hakkai!" I yelled thankfully as a kii ball blasted the youkai from this world to the next. I sighed in relief; that had been one close shave…

"You should be more careful Gojyo," he said as he pulled me up, his emerald green eyes half laughing, half concerned. "I doubt my lady would enjoy having another patient so soon."

"Huh!" I smirked, trying to regain my composure. "Any patient would be better than that cranky old monk!" I positioned myself, ready to continue with the fight, determined to avenge myself this time. "Come on… let's get rid of these morons!"

~~~~~~~

~.~.~.~.~

Shunrei

~.~.~.~.~

My heart raced as I grasped the shoureijou tightly, hiding it between the folds of my robes. I knew what I had to do now…

"Please don't hurt me!" I took a step forward, letting Sanzo go, hoping that he would not collapse. I looked towards the leader. "I have nothing to do with him… just take him and spare me and my temple…" I knelt down on the ground, letting my head bow before him.

"I see that you've regained some of your good sense, woman." His voice was that of one satisfied with himself. He chuckled evilly. "I'm afraid I can't let you go, but don't worry, I'll see that my men won't toy with you longer than necessary…"

I clenched my fists hating the very sound of the very tone of his voice. _Stupid, conceited jerk.__ Your arrogance will be your downfall. I looked up and smiled. "That's so kind of you… you insignificant dolt!" He gasped as I hurled a handful of gravel into his eyes. He howled, and tried to claw out the stinging particles from his eyes. "Kill her!" he screamed and his minions rushed towards me. I raised the gun and fired. It hit one of the demons who disappeared as soon as the bullet made contact with his chest. _

"Oh no you don't!" Another lunged at me from my side, and the gun flew out of my reach. I tried to go after it, but he grabbed my wrists, trapping me. I struggled uselessly with the demon but he was too strong for me… this was the end… "Got you now," he sneered as he trust his face into mine, forcing me to look at him. I shuddered feeling his stale breath on my face … 

"CELESTIAL PURIFICATION OF ALL EVIL!" *

I gasped as the youkai dissolved, screeching, as the folds of the sutra entwined themselves round its miserable body. The incredible power of the sutra overwhelmed me. I dropped back on the ground, panting, and I lifted my eyes to look around. They were all dead … It was over…. all over … _Sanzo__? I turned round quickly too see him collapse and fall on his knees.  I scrambled up, afraid that it had been too much for him._

Then I saw him… the damned youkai leader was still alive! Sanzo was breathing heavily, head bent down, and he didn't notice him creeping slowly closer…He prepared to lunge, dagger in his hands, ready to kill my son… "_NO!" I heard myself screaming and I leapt in front of Sanzo to face the demon, trying to shield my child from that deadly blow. I braced myself, ready to die if it meant saving my son._

A single shot rang out.

His evil face was contorted with rage as he realised that this was truly the end. "_Damn you!" he screamed before joining the rest in the world of the dead._

My son… he had saved my life… I thanked the gods that he had retrieved the gun, for otherwise I would have died… I tried to stop myself from trembling. True terror was not something I had experienced very often, but never had I been face to face with death. I turned to face my child, thankful that he too was safe now. "Sanzo…" My voice faltered as I saw the look on his face. He was staring at me with those amethyst eyes, face pale and drawn. Concerned, I moved closer to him. "Are you injured?" I asked him anxiously as I reached out to touch his forehead. He slapped away my hand and glared at me. 

"What the fucking hell got into you, you stupid bitch?!" he exploded. "Who told you to interfere? I don't need any help from anyone!"

I gaped at him. Had he taken leave of his senses? "I try to save your life, and that's the way you thank me?!"

"Save my life? You nearly got yourself killed!!" he snapped back angrily. 

"I had to protect you!" I felt my voice rising… anger was taking hold of me…

 "You _had_ to protect me?" He snorted incredulously. "Who the hell do you think you are, my _mother_?"

I felt the blood drain away from my face as I stared at him. He was looking at me with those violet eyes, so familiar, yet so alien, full of anger.  I swallowed trying to maintain my composure. "I…I…" My voice seemed unnaturally high, and I fell silent. He continued to glare at me, and I felt as though my heart was going to burst. What should I do now?

I closed my eyes, trying to block out the image of those eyes, which reminded my so much of what I had loved and lost. _Hiroshi_… I knew what he would have done in my place. I opened my eyes to meet those of the second man I had ever cared for. The blonde man was looking at me warily now, puzzled by my sudden silence. I sighed, but felt strangely calm as I knew what had to be done now. It was time to put an end to all this. 

"Yes," I said softly. There was no sound but the slight rustling of leaves as the gentle breeze danced through the trees. I smiled sadly at my son. "I am your mother."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The End…

…of Chapter 10. *_dodges the bullets fired from Sanzo's gun by readers who are out for blood_* Ok, Ok… silly joke, I know, but I'm writing this remember? Sorry you had to wait so long for that, but at least Sanzo did finally get to know that she was his mother. (See? I'm not heartless after all!) You must admit, it's a wonder what _youkai attacks can do these days *__grins*. I wonder how Sanzo will react to this… your guess is as good as mine… :p_

Well? Was it good/ bad/ hopeless? (Hopefully not the last one, but if yes, please tell me! Giving valid reasons please…)

**Azzie@Az****, Blades of Ice, UltraM2000: Thanks loads!! I really didn't know what I was going to make Gojyo fight with! :p *Gojyo and Goku wave their thanks too!!***

**GS 1: Don't say that!! You're sounding too much like me! Please cheer up!!! I'm sure that someone who writes such good stories can't really be such a disaster ^_^ Hope you manage to read this, and thanks for the info on the shakujo!  About school, I go to sixth form… we spend only two years here, after 5 years in secondary school. Compared to other schools it's rather small, and horribly strict! But I admit I'll miss it when I leave…**

**Ruishi**: **Have tried to update as soon as I could, so you wouldn't have to kill to know what happens… ^_^ thanks for reviewing!!**

**UltraM200: Tried to follow your hint and lengthened the Sanzo bit in the previous chapter, hope you liked it! (thanks for correcting my spelling of Goku's weapon!)**

**Kenren** Taishou:** It's your fault this story is so long! Who told me I should write a sequel to the Ice maiden and then told me the sequel I'd written was too short?? But yes, it was nice getting a review in my language (plus a smattering of English and Japanese thrown in :p) Thanks loads habiba…******

THANK YOU to all reviewers! This is my first story which has proved so popular, and I'm really grateful to all of you who took the time to write a few lines. I'm sorry, for not answering every reviewer separately, but I want you to know that I really appreciate your comments and suggestions! 

*** Just wanted to say that I translated this straight from Italian; I have actually no idea how it should actually be… so please excuse if it is incorrect!**


	12. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: Don't own Saiyuki… and never will… **

_Full apology after this chapter… don't want to keep you waiting longer… So ENJOY!_

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

**Chapter 11**

**~.~.~.~**

**Sanzo******

**~.~.~.~**

_"Koryou… perhaps it was indelicate of me to call you so." He sighed softly as he looked at me, dishevelled and bruised. I had been fighting the other novices… again. They hated me because I was no one, and yet had the favour of Komyou Sanzo.  I hated them because they were big and stupid and because they thought they were superior to me. And because… I needed someone to hate. _

_I shook my head slowly as I looked at him straight in the eyes.  "No master," I lied "I don't mind." I smiled trying to reassure him, but he didn't smile back. Instead he placed his hand on my shoulder, and looked at me with a worried frown on his face.  _

_"Tell me Koryou, do you wish to know your family? Are you curious to know who left you in the river?"_

_I looked down, unable to meet that kind gaze, full of pity and understanding. My family? I had always seen him as my father, mother… my only family. "No master. I don't care about them." It was true in a way_

_They didn't want me… so why should I want them?_

~~~~~~

Perhaps it was only a dream… perhaps I had imagined everything. I was still dizzy and shaken after the fight. It had been only a trick of my imagination. Komyou Sanzo had been my only family, the only one who had been there for me. When he died, my family died. When he died, my ability to care died with him. I had no one. I wanted no one.

"I am your mother." She repeated it quietly, serenely. I stared back at her. How could she just stand there and tell me that she was the one who had abandoned me after giving birth to me?

~~~~~~

_He brought his face close to mine, and he peered at me through his small eyes, as his grasp on my arms tightened. I tried hard not to wince, for young as I was, I hated showing any signs of weakness in front of them. _

_"Do you want to know why you were thrown in the river?" He looked greedily for a sign that I was listening, while the others made fun of me and laughed. I stared back at him. Although I knew I had been found in a floating basket, I never knew why I had not been brought to the temple like the others. I shrugged, feigning indifference but inside I was burning with curiosity. _

_He laughed at my silence. "I'll tell you anyway," he said. "I'll tell you why you're no one, one without family and without a name. I'll tell you." I could smell the stench of his sweat now as he got nearer, but I did not try to pull away. He lowered his voice to a whisper. "It's because… They wanted to kill you." _

_I stared at him in horror. "That's not true!" I gasped. Foolish child that I was… Their laughter rang in my ears, as my heart bled at the thought that who had given birth to me, had wanted me… had wanted me…_

_"You should be dead." His laughter was shrill and mocking. I kicked him in the groin and he squealed like a pig, letting go of me. I turned tail and ran, longing for a place in which to hide away from their satisfied smirks, and their cruel taunts… River drifter! Couldn't even die properly! Not even your mother could bear to look at your face…._

_I sped on until I came to the dark river, the same one which had carried me to my master five years before. I was young, and had never been out of the temple, but I had somehow gathered that a mother's love was something special. I had imagined that my mother had died, that I had been in some accident and the river had borne me away… but now, I knew the cold hard truth. I was so terrible that not even my mother had wanted me. Oushou-sama's vague explanation of why I had been in the basket, the monks' whispering behind my back, the initiates cruelty…. Everything fell into place. Childish tears full of self-pity, and full of anger for the mother I had never know streamed down my cheeks that day…_

_I swore that I would never think about her again. I hated her with all my heart._

~~~~~~ 

The childish anger I had kept hidden deep inside me for all these long years raced to the surface. I longed to wipe that tranquil look off her face. How dare she remind me of a woman I had sworn never to think about, whom I despised? It was not true…it could not be. My mother was dead to me.

"Liar." My voice was soft and dangerous. She started slightly, as though she had not expected such a reply. She passed her hand nervously through her golden hair, so like mine…

"I do not lie," she answered quietly, but I noticed that her hands trembled slightly. 

"What do you think I am, stupid?" I growled. "I don't know what the hell you're thinking of, but I warn you, you'd better shut up."

"Sanzo…"

"Shut up."

"Sanzo, please, I know it's hard but…"

"I said SHUT THE HELL UP!" My voice rose as I felt anger surging through me. How dare she? Bitch. Bitch!! "I don't have a mother, she's probably dead, and if not I hope she rots in hell!" Her eyes widened, and she reeled backwards as though I had hit her in the face. She bit her lips and stepped forward in my direction.

"Listen to me, I…"

 "NO!" I yelled at her. It was all a lie. It had to be a lie. "Get away from me. You are not my mother!" I clenched my fists. "I've got no one! I don't need anyone!" I was panting heavily, and I felt sick. Only pure hatred kept me conscious, for I could have killed this woman who managed to make me remember what I had tried so hard to forget. Because of her, I remembered all the misery I'd felt when I was a child. 

"You have to believe me." Her voice was pleading now, which only made me more furious.

"Why? Can you give me one good reason why I should listen to your lies?" I hissed

"Why shouldn't you?"

"You're a priestess? And you bore child?" I laughed bitterly.

"I'm a woman too." Her voice softened as she looked at me. 

"And tell me, who was the father? Or was it a virgin birth?" I sneered.

"His name was Hiroshi. He's dead." 

I stared at her. Dead? The pain in her voice was evident. Strangely enough I felt something stirring in my heart almost like… sorrow? But why? I didn't care did I? Surely I was not being fooled by her words? Surely I was not feeling regret for a father I'd never met? 

"The red beads you had with you…"

"What?" How did she know about them? Inexplicably, my heart started beating rapidly.

"They were mine, you know." She was looking expectantly at me. I gazed at her in shock. The beads… I swallowed, as I tried to answer. She knew about the beads. The realisation struck me full force. It was true then. 

She was my mother. 

~~~~~

**~.~.~.~.~**

**Shunrei******

**~.~.~.~.~**

He was trembling, and the colour drained away from his face. He looked at the ground and did not speak. I stood waiting, hardly daring to hope. I prayed silently that at last he would accept me, that now he would believe me, that he would no longer reject me…

"So you're my mother." I nodded, slowly. He lifted his head. His eyes were cold and bitter.

"So why the fuck did you leave me to drown?"

~~~~~

**~.~.~.~**

**Sanzo******

**~.~.~.~**

Her eyes widened and she clutched her robes tightly. Her knuckles were white.

"I didn't… I never would have! I fainted… they told me you were dead but they stole you away…" Her eyes begged forgiveness for not having been able to protect me. For some reason this made me angry. How could she have been so weak so as to let them take me away from her?

"How am I supposed to believe you? You could just have decided that you didn't want a child, that life was too good to be spoiled by a one night stand…" I gasped as she slapped me on the face. She was livid, and her shoulders shook visibly as she stood in front of me. 

"Don't you dare talk to me like that!" she hissed "A one night stand? I loved him more that I loved myself… I was willing to give up my life for him, but lost I lost him!" Her voice was full of pain and anger. I could not speak, for there was no mistaking the sincerity in her voice. Shunrei laughed, but it sounded high and unnatural. "I don't know why I'm telling you this… You don't know what love is, do you Sanzo?" she spat. "You're nothing but a selfish brat, who's never cared for anyone but himself." I winced, for she had struck home. I had cared, but I had lost. 

Suddenly, I realised that I was angry with her for the same reason I was angry with myself. I blamed her for being weak, for having been unable to protect me, but I too had done the same thing….

She paced away furiously, but stopped suddenly with her back to me. "I still love him," she said quietly. I could tell she was trying hard not to cry. "When he died, I wanted to tear my heart out, for it hurt too much. But I had to live, for I bore his child." She looked at me over her shoulder. "When I lost you as well, I knew that I was being punished for having given myself to a man. But when you were brought here, I thought that perhaps, this was an end to my suffering." She turned her head away. "I was wrong. I fooled myself." she said softly. "It's always the same… I always get hurt in the end."

_I always get hurt in the end._

Those words. So familiar. So true. 

I stared at the woman who claimed to be my mother. She had started back to the temple, without looking back. I had sworn to myself never to care about what I could lose again, for it hurt too much.  But seeing her walk away from me, out of my life, this time perhaps for ever,  made me doubt, not for the first time, the wisdom of my decision… 

"Wait."

**~~~~~~**

**~.~.~.~.~**

**Shunrei******

**~.~.~.~.~**

I stopped short in my tracks. Had I really heard it, or was I simply imagining things?

"Wait." I turned slowly to meet his gaze. I bit my lip. Instead of the cold accusatory glare I had grown accustomed to seeing, there was something else. He seemed younger than his years, unsure of himself. The hard, embittered look in his eyes was replaced by the look of a lost child, searching… searching… 

He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. His amethyst eyes, so familiar, yet so strange did not leave mine. I felt a sudden hope. Could it be? I stepped forward hesitantly, but this time, no hard words spurned me back. Instead, I met with a pleading look. 

"Don't leave me." His voice was barely above a whisper, but I heard every word.

I couldn't move. I stared at my son, hardly able to believe that at last he was accepting me. 

I saw a flicker of pain in his eyes. When he saw I didn't answer, he looked away, golden bangs, covering the expression on his pale face. I gasped as I realized that he had mistaken my hesitation with rejection. I stumbled to his side, tears blurring my vision, longing to comfort my son, the only living being I cared for.

Hot tears trickled down my cheeks as I dropped on my knees in front of him. "Sanzo?" I asked hesitantly. He remained motionless, head bowed down. Slowly, I took his face in my hands and brought him to face me. His amethyst eyes met mine, full of anxiety and I smiled through my tears. "I'll always be there for you." I whispered as I pressed his forehead to mine. "I love you. I love you more than anything in the world." I closed my eyes, wishing only that Hiroshi could be there with us. Suddenly, I felt a hand on mine, caressing it gently. I looked at him to see his eyes bright with unshed tears, but full of unspoken joy.

At last, we were together again, mother and child.

**~~~~~~~**

**~.~.~.~**

**Sanzo******

**~.~.~.~**

She touched my face tenderly and for once I did not pull away.  For I had discarded the cold mask which I had worn for so long, and before her stood my soul barred naked… a child, yearning for acceptance, yearning for love. I caressed her hand, half afraid, wanting to be sure that she was there with me, that this was not only a dream. My heart was too full for me to speak. I was afraid I'd spoil this moment, so precious, so unique. Unconsciously, I had longed for this moment all my life.

_I love you…_

Never had any words sounded as sweet. Her love cloaked my shivering soul, warming my existence, filling me with a joy I thought I never would feel. She was there, and near or far, I could tell she'd always be with me. Always.

_I love you too…mother._

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

**Ok….. ready? I AM VERY, VERY SORRY!!!!!!!!!! I uploaded this chapter much later then I had meant to. Sanzo was not being very cooperative, as he rejected every plot line I presented to him, as they weren't his style. (actually he didn't want to admit that she was his mother, but as you see, I had the final say on that… :p). School, tests, health, heart, nasty computers… everything was against me. So once again I apologise :)**

**THANK YOU to all those who reviewed (and even to those who read it but didn't review)**

**Angioletto: This chapter is dedicated to you… thanks for what you did ^_^**

**Roy****: I guess I should have put down this story as suspense right? Thanks a lot for your comments! Love it when people start trying to guess the story line! Well you got part of it right…Don't worry, all the veggies in my fridge were used to stuff into Goku's mouth… that kid is getting too expensive…. **

**Genjo**** Sanzo 1: Hope everything is ok!! Thank for your review!**

**annonymouse: Well… Sanzo isn't the kind of guy who says these things is he? Maybe someone else will get to know…**

**Azzie@Az & Thowra: Thanks for reviewing!! As you see… I didn't leave off there…. Couldn't let Sanzo off the hook so easily could I? ^_^**

**Fuuei, metalDRAGON2, M2000, Bright Wing Yume, Unseen Watcher & Chelle: Thanks for your comments people! Hope you liked this chapter :)**

**Last chapter will soon be up hopefully!**


	13. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: I don't even own a crumb from Goku's food… so how can I own Saiyuki?**

First things first…. Sorry for the horrifically long delay! I'm back from the dead! (Don't mind me, I'm prone to exaggeration  ^-^;) I was lucky enough to get out of hospital  in time for the Christmas exams (please note the sarcasm in that) and then I was overloaded with work (still am actually)… Thanks to all those who reviewed :) And thanks to all those who send me their good wishes!! It was great finding all your messages!! And Kenren… thanks for the A/N (very funny about being tied to a bed. Remind me to murder u for that :p)

And so we come to the end, my dear readers. For this is truly the last chapter… :(

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Chapter 12**

**~.~.~.~.~**

**Hakkai******

**~.~.~.~.~**

"Hakkai!!"

I turned to see Goku rushing up to me, panting. "Where's Sanzo?" he asked breathlessly.

"In the cellar, with the women." I felt relieved, for Sanzo, Shunrei and the nuns were safe, and no innocent blood had been shed. This time, all had gone according to plan, and I felt as though a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I smiled at my two companions. "Come on! Let's check out the place one last time." It could do no harm…Just to make sure… Gojyo grinned and nodded, but Goku was strangely silent. "Goku?" He looked up at me, eyes full of worry. "Is anything the matter?" He hesitated slightly, and passed his fingers through his hair. At last he spoke up.

"It's… it's just that first I felt… well, as though Sanzo was in danger." His golden eyes looked pleadingly at me. "But that can't be can it? He can't have been attacked… Ouch! That hurt!" Goku turned to glare at Gojyo as he rubbed his head.

"Don't be silly monkey! In what danger do you think he could be? At most, he could be attacked by those Sanzo-obsessed women, but undoubtedly the brave Shunrei will protect the poor invalid…" The redhead laughed, as Goku half smiled. Yet, I suddenly felt a twinge of anxiety. Perhaps… perhaps…

"Let's go down." 

~~~~

**~.~.~.~**

**Gojyo******

**~.~.~.~**

Trust the monkey to use his over active imagination to worry Hakkai! I could see that my green eyed companion had been shaken by Goku's words. Well, it would do no harm to show them that the corrupted monk was safe and sound, probably swearing his head off for being locked up with a bunch of pious old women, away from the action. He was probably ready to blow our heads off for having left him there.

We arrived in front of the sturdy wooden door, and Hakkai knocked. "It's us! Please open!" he called.

We heard the sounds of bolts being drawn, and the door cracked open slightly. "Who's there?" It was the high nervous voice of the old woman we had seen before.

"We are Sanzo's companions. It is safe to come out now, the demons have all been defeated."

Strange that it hadn't been Sanzo to open the door. I had half expected to find the shoureijou pointed at my head, and his scowling face behind it. The door swung open and we were faced with women. I whistled softly, for there were so many, huddled together in comfort, some praying, others weeping. I felt Hakkai tense beside me. I glanced at him. He was smiling, but there was a worried look in his eyes. And in fact… Where the hell was Sanzo?

"Where's Sanzo?" Goku asked, looking round, trying to spot the familiar blonde hair and the furious amethyst eyes. A knot tightened in my stomach when I saw the frightened look on the woman's face. 

"The priest and my lady have not come here."

~~~~

**~.~.~.~.~**

**Hakkai******

**~.~.~.~.~**

"Sanzo?"

"Shunrei?"

The calls where coming from all the directions. The women had been left in the temple while we had decided to search the grounds. I felt my chest tighten. Why? Why again? I swallowed, praying that I would not have to see the same scene as before. This time there would be no hope. This time, Sanzo would… There was a sudden rustling, and I swirled round, heart beating rapidly, as I hoped beyond hope.

"Hakkai?"

There coming from the glade, was a familiar blonde head, or rather, two.  But… but… I gasped.  It was there, so obvious that I wondered why I had not seen it before. I opened my mouth, but I could barely speak. I had finally realized why Shunrei was so familiar.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**~.~.~.~.~**

**Shunrei******

**~.~.~.~.~**

I saw the look on the green-eyed man's face. He knew everything, I felt sure, but he had not spoken. One look from Sanzo had been enough to stop any questions from coming forth.

I was back in my room now, alone in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, wondering, hoping, wishing… I passed my hands through my hair, staring out of the window, where only a faint outline of the trees was visible, and the sound of the river flowing could be barely heard. Deep inside I knew that what I wanted was impossible, and yet, like the fool I was, I still hoped.

A knock disturbed my thoughts and someone came in. "I told you not to come in unless I told you to. So go out and wait," I said snappishly without turning my head. That girl was as thick headed as they make them. And what was she doing about at this time of night?

"Age must be affecting your memory seeing that I never heard you say so." I swirled round at the sound of my son's voice. He stood at the doorway, and by the dim light of the lamp I could see that he was pale and had dark circles round his eyes. So neither he had been able to sleep. Sanzo closed the door behind him and looked at me. I motioned to him to sit and he sat on the bed, not too close yet not too far. His eyes roved about, unable to settle at a particular point, betraying his nervousness; his face was instead impassive and distant. 

"Couldn't you sleep?"

"I don't sleep much."

"You look awful."

"Many thanks."

We stared at each other awkwardly, for a few seconds, and then I dropped my gaze. The moment by the river had been a fleeting instant of intimacy which I doubted would be so easily regained. Ironically, we were too alike to be able to speak out – neither of us knew how to break the ice. I sighed inwardly. Hiroshi would have known how to behave, how to make his son feel at his ease. And yet, Hiroshi would not have understood the look in our child's eyes. But I had. I knew what Sanzo had come to say.

**~.~.~.~**

**Sanzo******

**~.~.~.~**

"You're leaving."

It wasn't a question, it was a statement. I nodded, for what use was there in denying it? I could not stay, not now, not yet.

"I have a mission."

"I know; you told me."

"We leave tomorrow."

I wished that I had Hakkai or Gojyo's way with words, or even Goku's innocence at that moment. For what could I say to her, to tell her that it was not because I wanted to that I was leaving? There were so many things I wanted to ask, to know about her, my father, about everything and nothing. And I could tell that she thirsted for the knowledge of my past life. But now was not the time…

Her eyes met mine. "When you come back…"

"You mean if I come back." I was leaving her with no illusions. Death was always close, so close that I could feel its breath on my cheeks, feeling it lurking behind every door, every corner. 

"When you come back, I'll be waiting here for you." Her voice was firm and she was looking at me steadily. I felt half irritated by her confidence, and almost surprised. She had more faith in me than I had in myself. I shrugged and remained silent. It was evident that whatever I'd say, she'd still believe that I wouldn't fail.

She rose and came to sit near me. I tensed. She was too close, silently taking down the barrier I had built round myself. And I wasn't sure I was ready for this. It was too new, too raw. I had been alone for too long. She noticed, but still took my hand in hers. 

"You have your father's eyes you know," she said softly. I looked away. Another thing I hadn't known. The desire to know all, to satisfy my curiosity was too large to bear. I drew my hand from hers and stood up. She looked unperturbed, and stood up as well. "Take this with you." She untied the chain of beads from her robes and placed it in my hands. I fingered the beads slowly. It was almost identical to the one I had before. 

"I have nothing to give you." It sounded so childish, even to me, but I could not help it as I turned my face away, standing before her. "Sanzo." I looked at her.  She was smiling, although there were tears in her eyes. I hesitated, unable to tear my gaze away, yet not knowing what to do to comfort her.

"You have already given me much, child," she said gently. "You have given me hope."

She pulled me to her and laid her head on my chest. She cried softly, tears of sorrow falling like daggers on my heart. I closed my eyes as I felt her shaking. My heart ached as I thought of the time which would pass before I would see my mother again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

**~.~.~.~.~**

**Hakkai******

**~.~.~.~.~**

Not a word had passed between us about his relationship with Shunrei, but I felt no doubt that she was his mother. They were too similar for it to be simply a coincidence. Sanzo held firm to his decision to leave on the morrow, and the new day saw us all packed in the jeep, riding onwards. Sanzo was silent, even for him, and I wished I could offer him words of comfort, but what could I say? It was better to leave him be, although I hated to see him suffer.

Goku and Gojyo were arguing like usual on the back seat. Gojyo nicked one of the buns Goku was holding, and as expected, the boy immediately turned to Sanzo to complain.

"Sanzo! Gojyo has… Sanzo? What's that?" Goku looked curiously at a chain of red beads wound round Sanzo's wrist, barely showing beneath the sleeves of his robes. He reached out to touch it and was rewarded by a sharp slap on the head. His protests were cut short by the blonde monk. "They're prayer beads, monkey. Now stuff your face and shut up," he growled.

My eyes met those of Gojyo and he lifted his eyebrows slightly. Even he had noticed that Sanzo seemed to be holding them rather too tightly for them to be simple prayer beads. I shrugged and Gojyo turned away. The monk had made it clear that he did not want to talk.

I glanced slightly at the Sanzo. His amethyst eyes had a faraway look in them, perhaps thinking of what he had left behind. "There's always the return journey." I spoke softly; the other two were squabbling in the back seat and paid no attention to me. The blonde monk turned his face towards me with a surprised expression in his eyes. It was gone in an instant, and the usual neutral look returned. I half smiled. "At least, we already know which road to take when we go back home." He looked at me strangely, and I laughed. Sanzo hesitated, but then nodded slowly. He looked through the mirror. The temple disappeared behind a hill. 

"Better get on with it then. The sooner we get over with it, the better."

"Get on where? Tell me Sanzo!" Goku looked expectantly at the monk. Sanzo closed his eyes.

"To the west of course. Where else?"

~~~~~~~~~

**~.~.~.~**

**Sanzo******

**~.~.~.~**

I fingered the beads slowly. 

I could still hear her voice, feel her soft touch…Perhaps I had been wrong to acknowledge that she was my mother. Perhaps I should have refused to listen. Perhaps… perhaps… so many doubts, so many questions. Yet, I knew that the way to be strong was to live with no regrets.  And I knew that had I turned my back on her, I would have regretted it all my life. Silently, as I looked at the winding road before us, I promised her one thing.

_I'll be back._

**~.~.~.~.~**

**Shunrei**

**~.~.~.~.~**

They were gone. 

I moved away from the window and I prayed to the gods to take care of my only child. He promised me that he would return, and I knew that he would do so. And when he'd come back, I be here for him.

_I'll wait for you, my son._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**_~.~.~.~.~.~_**

**_THE END_**

**_~.~.~.~.~.~_**

****

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~**

**~To Sanzo & Shunrei~**

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~**

_It was dark,_

_And I could see no hope,_

_Of ever_

_Reaching my heaven.___

_But then,_

_You took my hand_

_And together_

_We found the light._

_I'll always be there for you._

**_Konzen_****__**

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_Thank you to all those who have read this fic.__ Although I am not mentioning all those who reviewed by name, I would like you to know that your support was invaluable.  You have made writing this story a beautiful and unforgettable experience with your encouragement and helpful comments! I hope that you will enjoy any further stories I write. A happy new year to you all!!  _

**_Konzen___**


End file.
